Day 24: Beach Day

The white sand and clear warm water...the beaches in the south are heavenly. Brice and I both said today we are going to miss them so much when we have to leave. Today the water was so calm. The air was warm but not too hot and the water was warm but comfortable. It almost seemed like a lake. Levi loved being in the water and it was so nice we didn't have to worry about the waves.  It was so nice. The water was so clear we could see everything....little fish swimming in and out around us, a couple big crabs running away, a few shells, and two huge dead jelly fish. The boys had such a fun time playing in the sand and rough housing in the water. It was a perfect day. It was so nice to feel more freedom because Levi isn't such a baby anymore. It really adds to the ease of doing things as a family. I can see how things will get easier. 

haha this is the best

I hope you have had a happy weekend!!

Love, 
Em

Day 23: Cade's Zipline Ride

Friday was an extra fun day for us. We first had a neighborhood bbq and baby shower. My kids had so much fun. Water, treats, and kids...what more could you want! 






After the party Brice got home from work and we walked to the Octoberfest on post. The boys loved the jump houses and slides. It was just fun walking around and seeing some friends. Being out at night with the three boys was something brave for us but it was worth it and they all were all so good considering it was their bedtime.
   


We let Cade ride the zip line and he was so brave.  He never showed any sign of being nervous...he was just excited.  I loved his bravery. As we were waiting in line he put his arm around my neck and said how he would miss me when he is up there and as he goes down. ha too funny and cute.  As he came flying down he held on with only one hand and then walked away and wanted to put the harness back all by himself. Sometimes I see a glimpse of an older Cade and it both makes me so happy and kind of sad.  It was so fun to see him do something pretty big tonight. 

We walked home in the dark singing, looking at the stars, and trying to distract the boys from crying and throwing fits until we got home...It was a good day. 

Love, 

Em

Day 22: Bike Races

A couple days ago my kids were playing outside with their neighbor friend and they did a little race and it was so cute to watch them. Little Levi wanted to race too and almost fell over as he started going.  He has this little bike a friend gave us that is so perfect for him. He can almost get on and off all by himself and its pretty steady. I love that he has a bike too where he can play like his brothers.  You can tell he likes it too.  Sweet little memories like these make me smile. 

Love, 
Em

Day 21: Cade's Special Day

Today was Cade's special day and it was so fun to see Cade's reaction. He had been counting down the days. When he woke up this morning he was so happy to see his "you're special' plate. At dinner he ate on his plate again and we shared why we love Cade. I told Cade that I loved what a good artist he was and I love how kind he is. Then Ry Ry said something random and I think I just said, 'Ry Ry you love how Cade plays with you. Isn't he so fun? Give him a hug.' Without a hesitation he rushed over and he hugged him and gave him a kiss. Levi just sat there eating his dinner and I said Levi you love getting Cade from the bus? You miss Cade when he is at school? He shook his head yes twice. Cade said, "aw thats cute." He was genuinely happy. He had the sweetest smile each time we said something and it was so cute to see on his face how much it meant to him.

He wanted us to make him cards just like he did for Ryan's Special Day. So we made cards and he opened them up and I read them to him. He was so sweet when he opened Ryan's and saw his name and the drawing of him and Ryan together.  On my card I wrote the things I love about him and that he is good at. He seemed so happy. 

When Ryan went to bed I let Cade come into my room to play games on my phone for 15 minutes and eat 2 cookies. He wanted me to try and fly the airplane too and was trying to teach me how.  This is one of my favorite traditions Im trying to build into our family. Im seeing how it doesn't take much to make it special.  I hope my kids always remember these special days. 

Love, 
Em

Day 20: Sweet Home Alabama

Im going to really miss it here when we move.  I love the possibilities of this place, the warmth, the beautiful beaches, our house, and the people Ive met. I love the green everywhere and the trees. I love that our backyard faces a forest of trees. 

I love the military community. It really is something special. It has a similar feeling to maybe a college community. Theres a lot of activity, we are all in similar situations, and people are active and wanting to make friends. The ladies I have met are so strong and are eager to help. They know what it feels like to have your husband gone...the loneliness and long days and the stress of moving and traveling and being homeless. We have all been there. Theres a moving truck often on our street. Some one coming, someone going. 

Im so happy we have come this far...one year gone and we have passed all the bigger landmarks...I wouldnt want to do it again but its been good and I will leave stronger and maybe a little wiser then when I came. Each person that has touched my life has left me with something special. Its hard to put into words but we really do effect each other in such subtle ways and slowly you change and you cant imagine never meeting that person and you are so glad you did. 

Much love, 
Em

Day 19: Cade's Speech Journey

When Cade was two years I took him to the doctors for his 2 year old wellness check. During the visit the doctor asked me if he spoke 50 words. I said, 50 words? Definitely not 50 words. I wasn't even sure how many words he said...what could I count as a word? The few things he did say were less than a word and more of a sound that kind of seemed like a word. The doctor told me that if he didn't start talking more soon that I should refer him for speech.  He just turned two, I thought. Im sure he will catch up. 

Another year went by. I kept worrying. Why is he behind? What did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't talk to him enough when he was a baby...maybe something happened when he was born. He was so big when he was born and came out limp. Could that have caused the problem? 

One day we were playing at the park and I could hear the other kids his age talking and I could see how apparent the difference was. I could see how his speech could start interfering with his relationships with his peers.  

He was close to three now. I talked to the doctor and said I wanted to refer him to speech. The whole process was pretty smooth and straight forward once I got it started. The phycologist got a hold of me and I took him to her office to be tested. I stayed with him while she asked him questions and did puzzles. One thing I remember he had a hard time doing at all was asking questions and even answering questions. I worried maybe he had a learning disability. When she came back with the results it said he was average/above average intelligence, I was so relieved! Oh good. That rules that out. 

It was such a mystery to me. What is wrong and why is this happening? I also started noticing that he was always breathing through his mouth and had dried cracked lips. It was so sad. It made me so sad too that he always seemed to have a plugged up nose. He would snore so loudly and breathe so loudly at night. He sounded like an old man. 

When he talked it sounded kind of like a deaf person talking. Thats how it sounded to me. I felt like I needed to keep pushing forward for answers. It wasn't that his doctors didn't care but I definitely felt the responsibility to fix this problem. I had to solve this one and put the pieces together. 

Another part of finally getting him speech therapy was getting a hearing test. When he was a newborn he had a hearing test and he past it so I didn't think much of getting another one.  But when we went to his hearing test they told me he did have hearing loss. I was very surprised. It wasn't huge but he did have it and she showed me how the line should arch up but it only came up a little above the straight line.  

When I went back to the doctors I told him what she said.  He looked in his ears and said his ears looked good and some fluid but nothing to really worry about. He told me to give him allergy medicine and it should help. It was suppose to clear up any fluid in his ears. So we did that for almost a year I think. I didn't see a big difference. His talking didn't really improve. He still breathed through his mouth and always seemed plugged up.  How long are we going to be giving this to him? I didn't like the idea of giving him medicine everyday. At some point we even went back into the doctors and I pushed for another test and again the line was kind of flat line and didnt arch high like it should. 

I requested a referral to an ear throat nose specialist. It was very disappointing. He didnt really seem to have more info to help us and again said yeah theres some fluid in his ears and it could be his adenoids but we would have to put a camera up his nose and he wont like that. He wasnt a very good doctor and it was very frustrating. 

Finally when we came here to Alabama I had had it. I wanted him to see a real specialist that was actually going to care! So we went to a doctor and I told him my worries and what he was experiencing. He looked at him and suggested tubes in his ears, adenoids, and tonsils out. He seemed to really care and want to help. He said that for kids like him it is like hearing underwater. I felt hope that maybe this was our answer. 

I was so nervous the day he had his surgery. I knew it was going to be a hard recovery. I know throat surgery isn't fun. I just hoped that it was going to be worth it and they would take care of my baby. Brice took him in because he had to be there so early and I would come after he came out of surgery. He would take Levi and Ryan and I would stay with Cade. It was so hard to not go with him. When I finally came to see him I wanted to just hold him and love him...He didn't talk just pointed to his throat and opened his mouth big. I knew he felt like something was all in his throat. I looked in and it was black way back there. It was so sad. He didn't seem in pain. He was out of it a little but he ate his ice cream and popsicles. At some point I went around the corner and said Cade can you hear me? And he said yeah and kind of laugh a little. We did that a few times. It really seemed like something was different. Like the first time he could hear that way. I was hopeful at least that was true!! Then he started breathing really heavily through his nose as he sat completely still, breathing in and out, like the feeling of that much air through his nose was a whole new experience!

The doctor said he had some fluid in his ears but his adenoids were huge. They were so big they were almost completely blocking his nasal passage. I knew it! Something was not normal! Poor Cade. We later learned that adenoids can put pressure on the ear canal and cause hearing problems. 

The next few days were completely miserable for him. I felt so bad. It was heartbreaking. He had to take the strong medicine every 4 hours..through the night...and he hated it. He wouldnt take his medicine..and if he wouldnt take his medicine he wouldnt eat...he just sat there drooling because he didnt want to swallow. We had to just force him and I hated to do it but he couldnt be reasoned with. There were many times I put the medicine in apple sauce just enough we wouldnt have him eat too much but that it kind of helped mask the taste. I would put on a show and persuade/beg him to take a bite...30-40 minutes later at 2-3 in the morning he would finally be done. Miserable. 

Lots of stories I could tell about that time but that might be for another time. Slowly he got better. And we started seeing improvement pretty quickly. Within a month we could see he had improved on his own and our family could see too. They started commenting that he was doing so much better with his talking. They could understand more of what he was saying on face time as the months went on.  It was so encouraging to hear them say that. As soon as he hit the 2 week mark after the surgery he stopped breathing through his mouth and sleeps without a sound now!! Just hearing him breathe at night so normally makes it all worth it!

It was been about 7 months now and as I look back it is night and day difference. He talks so much more. He sleeps without a sound. He is still in speech once a week at his preschool and has been doing that for a year. He is working on articulation, specific sounds, and simple sentences. 

We are still plugging along this journey and hope he can be all caught up soon!

Love, 
Em 

Day 18: Pep Talk

I put up the sign I made from Ladies Paint Night and I love how it urned out. Its in the corner of my kitchen. I just used things I already had around the house. The plant I got on clearance from Burlington Coat Factory, the white stand from a friend, the black bird is part of a frame collage from my sister, and the tin and candle from Hobby Lobby. Its so fun to make things more beautiful. The next thing on my list is my pantry...it needs some serious help. 

I love Cade's pumpkin he did with the big black round eyes. He did it all by myself. 

Im moving into this week with a can do attitude. Brice said to me once how many people are able but aren't capable. I loved that. How much am I willing to give to learn or develop that talent? I must tackle a Primary Newsletter this week. I know that once I learn the program that works best and how to design it, it will be fun.  But this realm of creativity is so foreign to me. Maybe one day Ill be able and capable!

Love, 
Em

"My darling girl, when are you going to realize that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage." -Aunt Frances, Practical Magic?? I don't know just found it on Facebook and liked it ha 

Day 17: Cade's Part in the Program

Today was Cade's church Primary Program. He was up there on the stage looking so big and cute. He stood when he was suppose to stand, tried to sing, and when he said his part he said it with such confidence...

"Im Cade. Jesus loves me."  My mom heart filled with such love and pride and felt he was the absolutely the cutest and best one up there. 

It was so beautiful hearing them sing "I Feel My Saviors Love." I love the words. Its always been one of my favorites. 

1. 1. I feel my Savior's love
   In all the world around me.
   His Spirit warms my soul
   Through ev'rything I see.
2. 2. I feel my Savior's love;
   Its gentleness enfolds me,
   And when I kneel to pray,
   My heart is filled with peace.
3. 3. I feel my Savior's love
   And know that he will bless me.
   I offer him my heart;
   My shepherd he will be.
4. 4. I'll share my Savior's love
   By serving others freely.
   In serving I am blessed.
   In giving I receive.
5. Chorus
   He knows I will follow him,
   Give all my life to him.
   I feel my Savior's love,
   The love he freely gives me.

  I felt like my heart was being filled with light and love as I listened to the kids sing. Am I making myself feel this? Why am I feeling this? It has to mean God is real and His love is something that is so real.  I have come to feel more trust in not knowing and trusting in something greater I cant understand. Trusting in those feelings of light, peace, and love that I cant fully understand. 

I took a picture of Cade outside of church and Ryan wanted one too.. meaning he screamed and cried in the his car seat until I got him out and took one. He wanted a stick in his picture too.  He spilled bubbles on his shirt in nursery and Im kind of glad he did because his little shirtless self is just too cute. 



I hope you had a great Sunday!

Love,
Em

Day 16: Pizza Party Tradition

Friday is our Pizza Party day. I started it because by the time Friday comes around I am tired of making dinner. Pizza is something every one likes to eat and I can pre-make the dough and sometimes the pizza if I have the time.  The boys love having a 'picnic' in the family room and making a hide out. We choose a fun show, a new one if we can, and sit and eat. Levi walks around like a crazy boy trying to steal everyones pizza and drinks ha Since we've had this tradition it has made Friday a celebration day. We made it! It makes a regular day a fun day. Just put the word party on anything and suddenly it sounds fun. Pizza party, cleaning party, organizing party, laundry party...:)...

ahaha this cracks me up. Cade and Ryan both picking their nose at the same time. Very into the show.

Tonight I went to a ladies craft party and made this.....





It was a whole lot of fun. Talking, treats, and painting....and getting a break putting the kids to bed. It was awesome! 

Love, 
Em

Day 15: The Boys Went Hunting

Im loving this writing challenge. Ive written more these last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years. Writing small things daily is way more doable in my mind than sitting down and writing a blog documenting a big event or all we did the last month.  I stole the idea from daily vloggers and I think it is something that keeps me more alive in the daily happenings of life. I was kind of questioning myself but I really think you just have to keep doing the things that make you feel like you have life in your veins even if it doesn't make sense!! Create, love, share, whatever your heart wants and needs and I think you are probably going in the right direction. Thats what I think anyways.  

After I posted my favorite things about Levi I remembered a few more things that I didn't want to forget. He is so playful and such a tease. He loves helicopters. We always have helicopters flying around our house and whenever he sees one he always 'kaka'. He also knows where I have my dark chocolate chips in the freezer and begs for them 'kakkakakakak.' I love his little wave. His little wrist turns side and side. He loves to wave goodbye when we goes to bed, to Cade when he leaves for school on the bus, when daddy leaves for work, or random people at the store. He loves to climb on things and he's getting so brave. I love how he shakes his head yes or no to most everything I ask him. Im so in love with that little boy. 17 months is such a fun age. 

Today was just good. So many cute things I could write that my boys said or did. I just love them. Im trying hard to see their nuisances as phases and be patient in teaching them. Today Cade asked if he could pretend to go to army work and walk to the next door neighbor's tree. He kissed and hugged Ryan 'just like daddy' and walked out with his gun. 




 Then Ryan joined him and they hunted for pigs. 

Notice Cade's paper sticking out of his pocket. He's always got some type of 'army work' he's carrying around with him. Either a cut out of an army newspaper or his own drawing of a ship or helicopter. 4 is such an awesome age. For what a hard toddler he was, he sure is turning into such a good kid. All those things 2 years ago he wouldn't do...eat his food, go to bed, follow directions, help out, brush his teeth, use the bathroom, be reasonable hah...he's now doing and its so nice!! He is so fun and he cracks me up with the things he says and does. 

Cade whenever you read this, I love you. Those words almost seem too simple to capture all that is in my heart for you. You are such a special boy and I hope you always feel God's love for you in your life. Never hide your light. You have so much to share. 

Much love, 
Em

Day 14: Bumper Bikes

Today was full and satisfying. I feel like Im finally in a place where Im thriving most days not just surviving.  Levi stopped nursing completely last month and we pretty much all sleep through the night. Except Ryan will still come into my room once a night...most nights lately.  One of my favorite things I pulled out last minute to do with him today is this craft...



He was so focused on gluing and choosing which 'treasures' he wanted to put on his paper. I never did school things so consistently with Cade like I have been able to with Ryan and Im just glad that I have the energy, time and desire to do it now. It really feel like Ive accomplished something and I like that. Its so cute to see little Levi get in on it too and he will do the actions to the 'Chicka Chicka Boom Boom' Book and the '5 Little Monkey' song. He loves putting his hands together like the alligator and then slaps his hands together to snatch the monkeys out of the tree. Its so cute. 

One of my boys favorite things to do is play outside with our little neighbors girl and they had so much today riding bikes and chasing each other. I captured a few pictures of their fun time. 







Ryan pushed himself along Flintstone style trying to get on their tail and they all thought it was pretty funny. Im so grateful for good neighbors and friends! 

Love, 
Em

Day 13: New Fall Decor

Flight School is just what they say it is...hard! Hard for the daddies who do it and for the mommies and kids who wait long days for their daddies to come home.  We cant complain really because its just life.  We are so lucky to have a job where we can enjoy life and pay our bills and Brice can go to school to do something he is excited about. They are paying him to go to school basically. But still, life is life and we must work...and we are all learning the meaning of patience. 

I redid my entertainment center with cheap stuff from Target and stuff I had and well here it is....



The two little white pumpkins and banner I got from the dollar section of Target and the clear vase from the Dollar store. Did you know they have clear glass vases there that are worth buying for a dollar?? Im so in love with the change, the subtle fall hints and the price. 

Much love, 
Em

Oh this quote...all hearts!! How true and wise! 

 

Day 12: Dont Sweat the Small Stuff

This is how we do baths each night. When will they get too big to do this?? I hope not anytime soon because three boys in a tub is about the cutest thing there is. 

Last night I I got completely lost in a story on instagram. I found this sweet sweet lady 'alidegraff' who lost her fourth child at 22 months. Her writing was so poetic and moving. My heart just broke and I couldnt stop thinking of her. I woke up thinking of this quote I read on Glennon Doyle Melton's FB page 'Love Warrior' and felt like maybe it was something that she might like to read.

 

I sent it to her and I hope it was ok that I did.  I pray I never have to know such heart ache.

Her story and words completely touched me and I woke up with a completely different attitude. You know what, it doesn't matter. All this stuff that seems big really isnt. Im going to love my babies today. Im so happy they are here with me. Im so grateful!!! Im not going to sweat the small stuff because all I really need and want is all here...them. 

We humans are so complicated. If you think about how complicated the heavens are, all the different dimensions of reality, the things scientist have discovered that is out there that we cant see on such a microscope level, its really mind blowing. Im such a nerd I love this kind of stuff.  There are so many people.. scientist, philosophers, astronomers, historians, physicists all trying to put the pieces together. God is so big and so great we are just scratching the surface of what reality really is. I imagine it is the same for us. We are so deep and complicated but simple at the same time just like life and creation. Think of all the studies, research, writing, blogs, philosophies just on human complexities. So much is out there to help us better understand ourselves and still we are just scratching the surface. The same simple but complicated stuff that makes up our universe also makes up the reality of our spiritual selves. No wonder we run around like a bunch of crazies down here haha we are all just learning. We are all just trying to make sense of this stuff we call life. 

Much love, 
Em

I love quotes. They speak such simple truths. It wakes up my soul to something better. Here is one I found today that was just too beautiful not to share. 

Day 11: Little Levi

Why are my children trying to kill me slowly? I mean really. Its 9 oclock and they have been playing in each others rooms and now Cade has a story to tell me about needing to wash his army clothes for tomorrow. He takes his 'army work' very seriously. It is adorable when its not 9 oclock. 

I was thinking today how Levi all of a sudden seems so much bigger. He is both playing more and fighting more with Ryan. He is starting to throw fits where he arches his back. I absolutely love his smile. And he smiles so easily and quickly. He's sassy, fun, shy, and the cutest thing ever. He smells so good and his cheeks are so addicting.  My favorite thing he says right now is moooowwr...very loud and exaggerated...for more as he signs it, uh oh...the oh is so clear now and his little lips get so small and tight when he says it, haaaa (said with his mouth wide open and eyes big) for hot, nanananannanananana... for anything he wants.  I am completely in love with his white blonde curls and little almonds eyes and when he smiles I totally see Brice in him.  

Love, 
Em

Day 10: New Porch Make Over

There is something so energizing in creating something. It propels me into more creation and I feel more alive. When I make food that makes me happy I want to share and remember for later. When I write something I feel happy that I am creating a small permeant piece of me in cyber space for my posterity. Making something beautiful to enjoy is so rewarding. I bought two new plants today for my front porch, yellow mums and a green fern, added two white pumpkins I painted from Walmart clearance last year, and a lantern I already had, and I step back. Now that makes me happy.  

Im watching the movie Age of Adaline on Amazon Prime. Its a about a woman who doesnt age. How magical would that be to have beauty of young age on your side but the wisdom that comes with time?  And her hair, I need to make my hair like hers asap!! 

Much Love, 

Em

"Never underestimate the power of dreams and the influence of the human spirit." Wilma Rudolph 

Day 9: Pillow Cover Project

I did it! I did it! I sewed something!! I feel like I accomplished something big today ha. I sewed new covers for my front porch pillows just like the black and white stripped one here. And then covers for these old two pillows I had on my couch. 



No zipper just a pocket like cover to flip over the back like this...



Im so excited because Ive looked everywhere for pillows that weren't breaking the bank and worth buying.  I wanted ones where I could take the covers off to wash since it seemed like the pillows never look the same when I tried to wash them.  I made the covers for 3-4 dollars each. The black and white fabric is a canvas so it was a bit more so maybe you could do it even cheaper. I cant wait to make Christmas ones...I definitely see some Buffalo plaid in my future! If you are interested in making them Ill make a tutorial to show you how! Seriously if I can, you can!

I was so excited to show Brice my work. He was so happy for me and said you are a finisher! What a great thing to tell myself. 

I am a finisher!!! Yay for starting and finishing something.....not perfect just finished!! 

Love,
Em

Day 8: Cade's Note From School

Its 9:15 and my last child just finally went to sleep. oh my. Long day. Im excited its Friday tomorrow. One because library day is tomorrow and it makes Ryan happy and two because its our Pizza Party Day. Annnnd maybe we will all be better tomorrow!! 

After I posted last night about Brice, he did end up waking up to eat dinner and do homework.  Then right back to bed. I felt so bad for him. But he pushed through and did another day and I think hes feeling better slowly. And my eyes dont look like crazy zombie blood shut eyes anymore ha well almost. 

Cade came home today with a positive note/card from his teacher. It just made me so happy he is doing good and that his teacher is seeing it. Im so happy he's working hard. He really is so easy in that way. Never a fuss about school or the bus or leaving me...just ready to go and so big about everything. I dont stress about him because I know how much he enjoys it and needs the activity and the interaction with other kids. He is the cutest. 

Much love, 

Em

Day 7: Our Soldier

Brice came home tonight looking like a zombie. He has been so sick but has been pushing through work. I told him the soup was ready and I hurried to finish up helping the kids get dressed for bed. When I came back He was already asleep in bed. He never had dinner and its now 8:10 and I wonder if he will sleep through the night. Thats probably what he needs the most. Poor guy. 

Its got me thinking. We hear a lot about moms and their struggles because of blogs, vlogs, and social media but we dont hear from men the same way.  They solider on through the daily grind in such heroic ways. Ive got to see mine (or hear about later) push through some pretty unpleasant circumstances...bootcamp, WOCS (kind of like bootcamp for officers), SEAR (training to evade and escape enemies), and many terrible early morning schedules, long tiring days, and stressful tests and deadlines. I couldnt do what he does. 

Being sick and working stinks big time and Im totally feeling for him!!! Maybe 12 hours of sleep tonight will be the cure for him! Lets hope! 

Much Love, 
Em

If you need a good laugh watch this....youre welcome :) Cat and Nat on Youtube #momlife
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi_gyd1DDX0

Day 6: Our Daily Routine

Ive been loving our schedule since Cade started school. On the good days we wake up around 6:30 -6:45, say prayer, eat breakfast, devotional while they eat (just a scripture I have up on the frig for them to learn, or read a couple verses from the scriptures, or a thought if Im feeling ambitious), get dressed, make beds, brush teeth and hair and walk to the bus stop. On the 'bad' days I let him sleep in as much as I can, 7:20, then rush through all the above stuff missing devotional and making beds. We have a couple friends who also are there at the bus stop too and it is fun to get to see them every morning. I love how it gets me up and moving for the day. 

After the bus comes, Ryan, Levi and I go on a walk with a friend who is there at the bus stop and sometimes other friends join us along the way. We have stopped at the playground and we let the kids play. It didn't think walking in the morning and talking to other moms would make such a big difference for me as it has. I look forward to it everyday and even being sick ive still walked around the block just to get going. 

Then we come home and usually we have somewhere to go...Mon or Wed Walmart, Tues Commissary, Friday Story Time at the library for Ry Ry. So we will try to do Ryans school before if theres time. Then after our errand we will eat lunch or a snack depends on the day and then head to pick up Cade at the bus stop.  Then lunch, I put Levi to bed while the boys watch a little show, then its their time for quiet time. That glorious hour where they are in their rooms playing with toys quietly by themselves and I get to lay down and take a nap. It definitely took sometime to get them there but we are in such a good spot now that Cade is quiet and stays in his room, Levi sleeps a good 3 hours, and Ryan is such a quiet player and I think he really needs and likes playing alone for some time. 

Since we have all been sick, all the boys have been taking naps lately, even Cade. Its been so nice. Today I had a much needed 2 hour nap and I felt better when I woke up. Then we pulled our bikes, bubbles, chalk, and toys out to our front yard and played with our neighbor. They have a cute little 2 year old girl and the boys love her. It was warm but there was a nice breeze and my friend Sam and I just sat in the chairs in the shade talking. 

Bath, dinner, Brice home (around 615 these days), playing with Daddy, Levi to bed, boys watch a little show and have a little snack before bed. Teeth, books, singing and scratching backs, goodnights, and love waves. Cade always needs his yellow "dede" (blanket) and green blanket. He sleeps in the playroom on the little bed because the boys keep each other up still and Ryan needs his gray bear, his night light on, door open, and bathroom hall light on. 

Now I have two hours to relax, spend time with Brice, and maybe get something done. Clean up dinner, fold laundry, clean up, anything extra. Tonight though Im going to take a relaxing shower and have a little pampering. Yes Im definitely going to do that! :)

Much love, 

Em

Day 5: Thank you!

I am just so grateful for all of you who read my posts and made such kind brave comments and who wrote me privately! I have been worried to check all day because I was feeling not as brave today and I worried about what I wrote. Im so human. But thank you so much! Thank you so much for being so kind! It means so much and gives me such courage to share and write.  I feel for everyone of you who shared that you also deal with anxiety! It so nice to know really how normal we all are :) I will write an update with my anxiety soon. 

Today a friend made me homemade chicken noodle soup with homemade noodles even and banana muffins for dinner. I was so grateful!! I could have mustered up some energy to make something and then clean it all up but what a relief it was that I didnt have to!! It was so good. It felt like I was being taken care of. It was so warm and comforting and delicious. Brice still wasnt home from work and so I gave the boys their dinner and they happily ate it. I sat down at the table and ate my soup and I thought, Angela you are an angel. Sometimes we dont even realize how the smallest things can mean so much. We dont even realize how much we need something until someone gives us that one thing our soul yearns for. 

Much Love, 
Em

"I really, really think the secret to being loved is to love. I really, really think the secret to being interesting is to be interested. And the secret to having a friend is being a friend.

But that’s a risk right? To openly like someone? To admit to someone: I like you. I’d like to spend time with you today. It’s to risk rejection. It’s vulnerability. It’s brave.

Be brave. Like somebody."

http://momastery.com/…/2015/09/16/the-secret-to-being-loved/

Day 4: Can I Call In a Sick Day??

Today was yet another sick day.  I felt like a zombie most of the day and I longed for a whole day where I could just lay down. Now my husbands sick too and I think the whole ship is all going down. ha

When I finally feel better I am going to feel so amazing!  Nothing makes you so grateful for health than being sick. I miss doing things. It gives my soul life!

On my to do list is finish my white pumpkins, sew covers for my outdoor porch pillows, and make the primary newsletter. Im so looking forward to my morning walks. 

Hope you have a great week! 

Much love, 
Em

"God wasnt having a bad day when he created you. If you needed more talent, God would have given you more talent. If you needed more friends, you would have more friends. Take what you have and make the most of it. Its what you need for right now." -Joel Osteen

Day 3: Its Almost Fall Y'all

Ive been getting so excited for fall. Today we were brave and went to Target with the 3 boys. Our target is 35 minutes away so Ive never been since we moved here. They had the cutest Halloween and Fall Decor and I was on a high with all the cute possibilities. Its just so fun. 

I also bought some fabric to recover my outdoor pillows and Im very happy about that! Its going to be bold black and white stripped that I think will look cute with the colorful fall wreathe I have on the door. 

A funny story from last night. I was taking a shower after the boys were suppose to be in bed and when I got out I looked up and saw a little blonde haired boy in the mirror hiding behind my door. I quickly got dressed and sent him back to his bed. Then I went about doing things and a little while later I went back in my room to do something and there is Ryan again laying in my bed with my pink sleeping mask over his eyes and my white blankets pulled up to his chest. ha oh my! If only I had my camera. 

Now to vegging out and doing nothing...I sure hope I can start feeling normal again soon!!

Much love, 
Em

"Im going to make everything around me beautiful - that will be my life." -Elsie de Wolfe

Day 2: My Little Dance Partner

Its so rough not getting enough sleep day after day and being sick on top of that. I stumbled out of bed this morning. Brice looks at me and says, rough nice with the boys? I make instant oatmeal for the boys. I bribe Cade if he eats all of his food Ill give him obedience beads. I remind Ry Ry of his promise to eat his breakfasts in the morning. After minutes of no attempts I try to force feed him. That never works for a two year but Im still half sleep so somehow I think its going to work. I now tell him no suckers when we pick up Cade at the bus stop if he doesn't eat his food. The cold oatmeal is still sitting there. The flies have eaten more of it than he has. 

We managed to have a busy and productive morning. Cade to school, short walk to get ourselves going, got Levis medicine at the Pharmacy incase his cold gets worse over the weekend, dropped my broken iphone off at the post office, and then library story time for Ryan's school today. Im exhausted. On top of being sick, lacking sleep, I have terrible cramps. Oh so fun. 

Last night we went on a walk. It was getting dark and some of the intense humidity was gone and it was just us. Ryan in his army pants and gray sweater sitting on Daddy's shoulders, Levi sitting in the double stroller content just looking around, and Cade in his gray comfy pants and bright blue shirt happily walking by me talking about getting treats at the gas station by our house. As we walk Cade says in his own Cade way, Lets dance under the light. I start to twist him and dip him. He takes my hands and swings. It is so adorable I look up to see Brice's face and he's looking at us with a warm smile. My heart feels with so much joy. How can something so simple be so magical? This all went straight to my heart. Im going to remember this one for a long time. 

Much love, 
Em

"You are just as good as anyone else but no better." -unknown 

Anxiety: You Aren't Alone!

This is a post I wrote a couple months ago but never had the courage to post. But as I reread it today I felt like it is something that I could share. If it can help one person then it is worth sharing. I wrote this one late night when I couldn't sleep and I needed to get all my thoughts out to make sense of them. Heres me and my journey with anxiety... 

It has been way too long. I have been struggling to just write! I want to write. I think about it often but I feel like my heart and mind are in a major storm.  Im not confident that I even know what way is up! :)

So many little happy memories, simple life events, thoughts- some deep, some not so much, floating in my mind that I feel so panicky that they are lost forever because I don't have them permanently here. I do have a little happy journal I write in most nights with a happy memory here and there, so there is that but still. I yearn to capture every detail, every moment, to never forget it all but I just cant. Heck I can barely get the dishes done for the day and take a shower and go to bed at a decent hour let alone document every event. Sigh. 

What better place to start I suppose then full in, deep end first.  I want to write and share my story for anyone else who may feel alone. 

I have felt my anxiety come sneaking back into my life again in full force like a tide that I cant hold back. It is discouraging and frustrating. I want so much to rid myself of it.  But in the back of my mind I really think this is my fight for life. I had a conversation with my husband the other night during one of my low moments. 

The first thing he said that really hit me was how I really need to own my story. Stand on top of it. This is who I am...all of me. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have anxiety. Just like I have freckles or have 2 ears or 2 eyes. Own it. 

The second point he made was how I am spending so much of my energy to just fight my anxiety. What if I took all that energy and used it in other ways? How much farther could I go and accomplish? 

How I feel in a nutshell:

1. Im angry. Im impatient.  A swell of hot feelings erupt out of nowhere. I feel more impulsive than I normally am. 

2. Noise seems amplified. Fast movement seems so unnerving. 

3. My mind feels both highly focused on a specific thing and also so unfocused and busy at the same time. 

3. Despite all my knowledge of enjoying the moment and self talk I cant get my self to just chill out! I know Im being ridiculous. 

4. A lot of energy. Ambitious energy. I want to make 3 loaves of bread. Can jam. Make food all the time. I want to get lost in something. 

5. I dont want to be close to my husband as much. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole on my bad days and hide. Or get lost in a book. 

6. I find myself hiding in my house and not really making efforts to reach out to others. I want to help others but I cant get myself to take the step. 

7. Im avoiding emails, phone calls, mail ect. 

8. My head says one thing but when the rubber meets the road I cant move or push myself over the edge to do those things that I know are little but feel so big. 

9. Little things are stressful and overwhelming. Shopping...a mountain. Cleaning...a mountain. Calling the insurance...a huge mountain. Another day with my kids wants and needs, crying and fighting...a mountain. 

What I am doing to help myself: 

1. Exercising in the mornings out of the house 4-5 times a week.  

2. Eating healthy-ish

3. Reading a positive motivational book 'The Power of I am" by Joel Olsten

4. Writing a quote and scripture to see and memorize, once a week 

5. Praying nightly

6. Self talk in the moment (this isnt a big deal, it doesnt matter, they are just kids, they arent always going to be here, that is your anxiety talking, this is stupid!)

7. Anxiety podcasts

8. Breathing from my belly

9. A couple hour break doing something for myself a week 

Living with anxiety is like running a marathon where you keep hitting these huge road blocks. The path is already hilly and takes weird turns that test you but you keep hitting these and it throws you off. Your heart feels geared up to push through it because you want to finish this race well. But each time you meet another one your mind and heart gets a little more tired and discouraged. Why does this one seem so big?!  This shouldnt be this hard! Physically you feel more and more drained. Doubt overwhelms you now too. Can I really keep doing this???

As I look back I cant deny anxiety has been apart of my physical make up from the beginning. Hind Sight is 20/20. Lets go back to the beginning...this might take a minute :)

*Im 4 years old. My mom has my twin brothers and Im away from her for a few days or so and I cant stop nervously licking my lips and get sores all on the bottom on my chin.  I rub my pillow, my ribbons and suck my thumb. I cry because my teacher laughed when I told her I had pancakes for a snack. Im devastated. Kind of funny now hah 

* Im 9 or 10 and I obsessively think about something Ive done and what it says about me. I feel so alone. I tell my mom and I feel some pressure off. I never let it go through. 

*I often cant sleep and my mom teaches me to write my worries down and to tell each part of my body to go to sleep one by one. 

*Ok Im a good kid. Im organized. I clean my room for fun. Im conscientious. Im helpful. Sometimes a bit nervous but nothing to worry about right? 

*Im 10.5. My appendix burst and Im gone from school for weeks. I have stomach problems for years after. I miss school once a week for the rest of my 5th grade year (no wonder I'm bad with the states haha). Im always so worried Im going to be sick at school. On time I am and I feel so terrible I thought I was dying. I become afraid to go to school. Im obsessed about what if I get sick and I cant go to the bathroom. 

*Im 12 and I leave to spend time at my aunts house in Georgia. I become obsessed with the fear of getting sick. I cant sleep. Id have overwhelming panic that I wasnt going to be able to go to sleep and Id be sick. Id run through the same scenario of a waterpark in my mind every night to help me not think of it. 

*Im in high school and I start to get so terribly depressed. I feel so ugly. I hate my freckles. I detest myself.  I feel so alone. I cry a lot. I keep trying and working harder. 

*I come to college and have a complete panic attack. Still didnt know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is but as I look back I was completely losing it. At a time where a normal 18 year old would be happy I was crying and completely overwhelmed by my emotions and fear.  I was still so immature in the ways I handled my strong emotions. 

*Things get better mostly. Work and more work was my only solution. Just drown myself in work, which both helped and made things worse. 

*My college roommate starts talking to me about the definitions of anxiety and depression. Mind blown. Um that sounds a lot like me! Wait what! Im taken back with the possibility of this label associated with me. 

*My first heartbreak. Panic attack. Im still working on pushing through these mountains with all the will power and strength I can muster.  I go to some counseling on campus. I start to feel power in controlling what I eat. I find satisfaction from limiting what I eat. I got way too skinny. So so strange and hard to admit. 

* I apply for a study abroad and get accepted. I really want to go but the fears mount and I opt for the safe route. Im so disheartened now. Ive ruined everything. My life will never be as good...(terrible terrible way of thinking about life btw!!!) I was suppose to go and now I am just stuck here....DEPRESSION! I gain 15 pounds within that first semester or so. Im obsessed about food and eating now. I cant stop thinking about food. I feel so out of control now. I get on medicine I think for the first time. I cant really remember if I felt it helped me or not. I feel so down about it though. I feel like I lost. How can any one love me now when Im so broken?  

* I graduate BYU unmarried. I am a loser. haha oh the lies we tell ourselves when we feel alone!!!

*I worked at Dessert Book then an EFY counselor in Georgia and Florida and I had a good summer mostly. I still remember having intense and confusing feelings but I felt like I was in a positive direction. I cant remember if I was still taking my medicine then. 

*I started my first teaching job. My anxiety is now the worst that I have ever felt in my entire life. Im shaking. I cant breathe. My mouth is dry. My eyes are dilated. Oh my gosh I am dying!! I will never forget that first year and the panic I felt every day for 8 months. Hell on earth. It was as if this was all now too big for me. My only strategy I had to help myself was work. And work could not help this. This was so beyond school kind of work...get an assignment and do what they want...no this was so so much more. It was so beyond me.  My class was so bad. I had a sub for 2 days and he told me he would never come back to sub again. Bad. 2 boys gave me a run for my money. I cant remember if I got back on medicine. I have to think I had to in order to function. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in a situation like this or have felt like this before. It is the worst feeling in the world and I will never forget it. Know you arent alone!!

* I started doing better and weaned myself off of the medicine at some point. I was single for 7 years teaching school dating getting more confident. Getting stronger. Seeing other counselors off and on.  I finally met a lady that was specifically for women with depression and anxiety and she was absolutely heaven sent!! Tried relaxation scripts. Reading anxiety books.  Lots of exercise. Slipping down with a break up and having to get back on medicine. 

* I was Relief Society Present for a bit and hated it.  I went through the temple for the first time and I had a complete panic attack during it and after. I felt so confused.

* I was on medicine when I met Brice. But honestly I had never felt better. I had changed my thinking about life from trying to just do everything right and not mess anything up, waiting for God to bless me... to taking life in my hands and taking responsibility for my life in real ways. I still needed to exercise to feel better but I was taking medicine. Work was going really well for the most part. At least I was taking a proactive positive approach. Trying to not feel so beaten down by it. I had gained a lot more confidence...something happens when the worst thing you feel happens to you or failure is yours...you feel bigger than fear and you know you can handle it. Nothing can ever be as bad as that...it can only go up from here. I listened to a book that was life changing...Feel the Fear and DO it anyways. It is because of that book that I am here today with Brice has my husband and I have 3 boys sleeping down the hall. I could very much still be teaching feeling sorry for myself if I hadnt listened to that book at the exact time I needed. Thank u Lane! He was an angel sent from above. 

As I reflect on my life in this way, panning out to see a big picture, things become clearer and OBVIOUS! This is not something I can work away. Taking medicine isnt admitting defeat. It is another tool for me to use to help me stand on top of it. I am showing myself that Im not ever going to let it get to me. Whatever the tool I have available to me, I will use it. I can and will stand on top of it.  

Today was another terrible day. It feels like anxiety is in every cell of my body. Im angry. Im discouraged. Im terribly lonely and sad. I feel better then I sink back down. Up and down. Oh my. This is not me. I keep stumbling over myself. 

Then I watched this...http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-releases-ground-breaking-video-on-depression/

Is anxiety really who I am? Who I really am? If I believe that who I am is both spiritual and physical than do I believe I had this overwhelming anxiety before I came here? No. It is not a Godly characteristic. Do I believe I will have it when I go back to heaven? No. Then it is a physical ailment same as if I had another physical deficiency. It is a human frailty.  My genes dealt me this hand. 

It just hits me. And I cant sleep. My mind is figuring this out. 

My anxiety is hurting my relationships in real ways. I see it. Trying to fight this without medicine is not as important to me as my relationships. My family deserve better. I can do that for them. 

Im calling the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning.

Em