Anxiety: You Aren't Alone!

This is a post I wrote a couple months ago but never had the courage to post. But as I reread it today I felt like it is something that I could share. If it can help one person then it is worth sharing. I wrote this one late night when I couldn't sleep and I needed to get all my thoughts out to make sense of them. Heres me and my journey with anxiety... 

It has been way too long. I have been struggling to just write! I want to write. I think about it often but I feel like my heart and mind are in a major storm.  Im not confident that I even know what way is up! :)

So many little happy memories, simple life events, thoughts- some deep, some not so much, floating in my mind that I feel so panicky that they are lost forever because I don't have them permanently here. I do have a little happy journal I write in most nights with a happy memory here and there, so there is that but still. I yearn to capture every detail, every moment, to never forget it all but I just cant. Heck I can barely get the dishes done for the day and take a shower and go to bed at a decent hour let alone document every event. Sigh. 

What better place to start I suppose then full in, deep end first.  I want to write and share my story for anyone else who may feel alone. 

I have felt my anxiety come sneaking back into my life again in full force like a tide that I cant hold back. It is discouraging and frustrating. I want so much to rid myself of it.  But in the back of my mind I really think this is my fight for life. I had a conversation with my husband the other night during one of my low moments. 

The first thing he said that really hit me was how I really need to own my story. Stand on top of it. This is who I am...all of me. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have anxiety. Just like I have freckles or have 2 ears or 2 eyes. Own it. 

The second point he made was how I am spending so much of my energy to just fight my anxiety. What if I took all that energy and used it in other ways? How much farther could I go and accomplish? 

How I feel in a nutshell:

1. Im angry. Im impatient.  A swell of hot feelings erupt out of nowhere. I feel more impulsive than I normally am. 

2. Noise seems amplified. Fast movement seems so unnerving. 

3. My mind feels both highly focused on a specific thing and also so unfocused and busy at the same time. 

3. Despite all my knowledge of enjoying the moment and self talk I cant get my self to just chill out! I know Im being ridiculous. 

4. A lot of energy. Ambitious energy. I want to make 3 loaves of bread. Can jam. Make food all the time. I want to get lost in something. 

5. I dont want to be close to my husband as much. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole on my bad days and hide. Or get lost in a book. 

6. I find myself hiding in my house and not really making efforts to reach out to others. I want to help others but I cant get myself to take the step. 

7. Im avoiding emails, phone calls, mail ect. 

8. My head says one thing but when the rubber meets the road I cant move or push myself over the edge to do those things that I know are little but feel so big. 

9. Little things are stressful and overwhelming. Shopping...a mountain. Cleaning...a mountain. Calling the insurance...a huge mountain. Another day with my kids wants and needs, crying and fighting...a mountain. 

What I am doing to help myself: 

1. Exercising in the mornings out of the house 4-5 times a week.  

2. Eating healthy-ish

3. Reading a positive motivational book 'The Power of I am" by Joel Olsten

4. Writing a quote and scripture to see and memorize, once a week 

5. Praying nightly

6. Self talk in the moment (this isnt a big deal, it doesnt matter, they are just kids, they arent always going to be here, that is your anxiety talking, this is stupid!)

7. Anxiety podcasts

8. Breathing from my belly

9. A couple hour break doing something for myself a week 

Living with anxiety is like running a marathon where you keep hitting these huge road blocks. The path is already hilly and takes weird turns that test you but you keep hitting these and it throws you off. Your heart feels geared up to push through it because you want to finish this race well. But each time you meet another one your mind and heart gets a little more tired and discouraged. Why does this one seem so big?!  This shouldnt be this hard! Physically you feel more and more drained. Doubt overwhelms you now too. Can I really keep doing this???

As I look back I cant deny anxiety has been apart of my physical make up from the beginning. Hind Sight is 20/20. Lets go back to the beginning...this might take a minute :)

*Im 4 years old. My mom has my twin brothers and Im away from her for a few days or so and I cant stop nervously licking my lips and get sores all on the bottom on my chin.  I rub my pillow, my ribbons and suck my thumb. I cry because my teacher laughed when I told her I had pancakes for a snack. Im devastated. Kind of funny now hah 

* Im 9 or 10 and I obsessively think about something Ive done and what it says about me. I feel so alone. I tell my mom and I feel some pressure off. I never let it go through. 

*I often cant sleep and my mom teaches me to write my worries down and to tell each part of my body to go to sleep one by one. 

*Ok Im a good kid. Im organized. I clean my room for fun. Im conscientious. Im helpful. Sometimes a bit nervous but nothing to worry about right? 

*Im 10.5. My appendix burst and Im gone from school for weeks. I have stomach problems for years after. I miss school once a week for the rest of my 5th grade year (no wonder I'm bad with the states haha). Im always so worried Im going to be sick at school. On time I am and I feel so terrible I thought I was dying. I become afraid to go to school. Im obsessed about what if I get sick and I cant go to the bathroom. 

*Im 12 and I leave to spend time at my aunts house in Georgia. I become obsessed with the fear of getting sick. I cant sleep. Id have overwhelming panic that I wasnt going to be able to go to sleep and Id be sick. Id run through the same scenario of a waterpark in my mind every night to help me not think of it. 

*Im in high school and I start to get so terribly depressed. I feel so ugly. I hate my freckles. I detest myself.  I feel so alone. I cry a lot. I keep trying and working harder. 

*I come to college and have a complete panic attack. Still didnt know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is but as I look back I was completely losing it. At a time where a normal 18 year old would be happy I was crying and completely overwhelmed by my emotions and fear.  I was still so immature in the ways I handled my strong emotions. 

*Things get better mostly. Work and more work was my only solution. Just drown myself in work, which both helped and made things worse. 

*My college roommate starts talking to me about the definitions of anxiety and depression. Mind blown. Um that sounds a lot like me! Wait what! Im taken back with the possibility of this label associated with me. 

*My first heartbreak. Panic attack. Im still working on pushing through these mountains with all the will power and strength I can muster.  I go to some counseling on campus. I start to feel power in controlling what I eat. I find satisfaction from limiting what I eat. I got way too skinny. So so strange and hard to admit. 

* I apply for a study abroad and get accepted. I really want to go but the fears mount and I opt for the safe route. Im so disheartened now. Ive ruined everything. My life will never be as good...(terrible terrible way of thinking about life btw!!!) I was suppose to go and now I am just stuck here....DEPRESSION! I gain 15 pounds within that first semester or so. Im obsessed about food and eating now. I cant stop thinking about food. I feel so out of control now. I get on medicine I think for the first time. I cant really remember if I felt it helped me or not. I feel so down about it though. I feel like I lost. How can any one love me now when Im so broken?  

* I graduate BYU unmarried. I am a loser. haha oh the lies we tell ourselves when we feel alone!!!

*I worked at Dessert Book then an EFY counselor in Georgia and Florida and I had a good summer mostly. I still remember having intense and confusing feelings but I felt like I was in a positive direction. I cant remember if I was still taking my medicine then. 

*I started my first teaching job. My anxiety is now the worst that I have ever felt in my entire life. Im shaking. I cant breathe. My mouth is dry. My eyes are dilated. Oh my gosh I am dying!! I will never forget that first year and the panic I felt every day for 8 months. Hell on earth. It was as if this was all now too big for me. My only strategy I had to help myself was work. And work could not help this. This was so beyond school kind of work...get an assignment and do what they want...no this was so so much more. It was so beyond me.  My class was so bad. I had a sub for 2 days and he told me he would never come back to sub again. Bad. 2 boys gave me a run for my money. I cant remember if I got back on medicine. I have to think I had to in order to function. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in a situation like this or have felt like this before. It is the worst feeling in the world and I will never forget it. Know you arent alone!!

* I started doing better and weaned myself off of the medicine at some point. I was single for 7 years teaching school dating getting more confident. Getting stronger. Seeing other counselors off and on.  I finally met a lady that was specifically for women with depression and anxiety and she was absolutely heaven sent!! Tried relaxation scripts. Reading anxiety books.  Lots of exercise. Slipping down with a break up and having to get back on medicine. 

* I was Relief Society Present for a bit and hated it.  I went through the temple for the first time and I had a complete panic attack during it and after. I felt so confused.

* I was on medicine when I met Brice. But honestly I had never felt better. I had changed my thinking about life from trying to just do everything right and not mess anything up, waiting for God to bless me... to taking life in my hands and taking responsibility for my life in real ways. I still needed to exercise to feel better but I was taking medicine. Work was going really well for the most part. At least I was taking a proactive positive approach. Trying to not feel so beaten down by it. I had gained a lot more confidence...something happens when the worst thing you feel happens to you or failure is yours...you feel bigger than fear and you know you can handle it. Nothing can ever be as bad as that...it can only go up from here. I listened to a book that was life changing...Feel the Fear and DO it anyways. It is because of that book that I am here today with Brice has my husband and I have 3 boys sleeping down the hall. I could very much still be teaching feeling sorry for myself if I hadnt listened to that book at the exact time I needed. Thank u Lane! He was an angel sent from above. 

As I reflect on my life in this way, panning out to see a big picture, things become clearer and OBVIOUS! This is not something I can work away. Taking medicine isnt admitting defeat. It is another tool for me to use to help me stand on top of it. I am showing myself that Im not ever going to let it get to me. Whatever the tool I have available to me, I will use it. I can and will stand on top of it.  

Today was another terrible day. It feels like anxiety is in every cell of my body. Im angry. Im discouraged. Im terribly lonely and sad. I feel better then I sink back down. Up and down. Oh my. This is not me. I keep stumbling over myself. 

Then I watched this...http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-releases-ground-breaking-video-on-depression/

Is anxiety really who I am? Who I really am? If I believe that who I am is both spiritual and physical than do I believe I had this overwhelming anxiety before I came here? No. It is not a Godly characteristic. Do I believe I will have it when I go back to heaven? No. Then it is a physical ailment same as if I had another physical deficiency. It is a human frailty.  My genes dealt me this hand. 

It just hits me. And I cant sleep. My mind is figuring this out. 

My anxiety is hurting my relationships in real ways. I see it. Trying to fight this without medicine is not as important to me as my relationships. My family deserve better. I can do that for them. 

Im calling the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning.

Em

Day 1: Bunch of Sickos

We have all been sick over here and the days of have been long and exhausting. We managed to get Cade to the bus stop and still go on a short walk. We did Ry Rys little school at home. He is so fun to teach. He loves to read books and is pretty cooperative. He's watching Super Why now and Levis semi pleasant so I thought I could use this short time to write. 

I have been feeling such a desire to write again but having the hardest time gaining the confidence to do it. Im so rusty now that I haven't taken the time to write. I would love to challenge myself and write everyday. Sometimes short entries and sometimes long ones just depending on the day.Writing about daily events might be a good start for me. Its not about being perfect its about finishing. Thats what Im telling myself. Levis over here trying to push my computer closed and laughing about it so thats probably my cue that Im done. hah Until tomorrow...

Much love, 
Em

March 2016 Update

So much has happened since I wrote last. Nearly 10 months ago now (I started writing this back in March 2016...now it is July 2016).  Life is hectic with the three boys.  A quiet nap time where I get alone time and get things done...yeah nonexistent. Once bed time finally happens and the boys aren't fighting us to get them water or to lay down with them, all my energy is gone. All I want to do is relax and watch a show. Then early to bed because I dont know what the night has in store for me. Lately Ryan has been sneaking into our bed. Levi will eat at least once. And then everyone is rearing to go at the crack of dawn. I roll out of bed half awake and wonder where did my ambitious goals go to wake up early to exercise and read the scriptures. 

Life has been moving fast...we moved from upstate New York to Alabama. Road tripped down the east coast. We unpacked and got settled. We worked on a few house projects. Brice had a 7 week training where he was gone and became a warrant officer in the Army.  







Ryan turned two. I flew to California for a 2.5 week adventure wth the three boys. 



Christmas. Uncle Ben came to visit. 







My sweet Grandma Rosell passed away and they had her funeral. 



New Years fun, Valentines Day, and probably a bunch of other things I cant remember now. 





Probably because I was in need of a lot more of this...




Right now Cade is 3 years old. He will be 4 at the end of April. Ryan is 2 and 3 months old. Levi is 10 months old. 







































Cade is our little spit fire.  He has a fun imagination. He loves playdoh and slime. If he gets something in his mind he doesn't want to do, he will fight to the bitter end.  He's one of those kids if you tell him to say sorry he would rather go to time out 3 more times then give in to what you want him to do. Then he will finally say it in the least sincere way like he's saying fine I'll say it but you cant make me say it the way you want. We say Cade is intensity squared. He loves kids and wants to make friends.  He loves to kiss and hug Levi and play, teach, help and fight with Ryan.  He loves to cook and help in the kitchen. He is my little shadow. He loves to talk and always draws you back into what he's doing. He wants your attention. I don't feel like words could adequately describe his personality and little ways. He is so frustrating, and lovable, and fun and charming. He is really animated when he talks to you. Its adorable. He is still struggling with his speech. He just had his tonsils and adenoids out and tubes in his ears. Its been so hard this week in every way. Im starting to see some improvements already so I hope it will really pay off in the end.  















Ryan is so silly. He is the typical two year old...doesn't really eat when he's suppose to eat, plays with his food and makes big messes, throws tantrums when he doesnt get what he wants, wakes up at random times at night and just wants to play. He is oh so very kissable. He loves his bear, to be tickled, to eat treats. He has the whiniest voice when he talks.  My favorite things he says right now is 'buy it at the store mom?' 'daddy fix it?' 'where daddy go? army work?' 'welcome' (when its suppose to be thank you), 'mommy by you?' (he wants me to lay by him) He fights with Cade and shows interest in Levi. He is pretty obedient and if you get mad at him he gets so sad. He is the first one to say sorry even when he was the one hurt. What can I say about little ry ry? He is also such a complex little boy...he's serious, quiet, so silly, loving, spunky. He is so attached and I cant leave him without some serious trauma. 





Levi is the happiest baby.  He got both our chill recessive genes. He gets the pleasant baby award for nearly every adventure we attempt. He just moans..mmm mmm....you know he must want more food and is ready for bed. I dont know how I got so lucky but the baby puts himself to sleep every time. He loves to play games and be tickled. He is always just looking around with his little blue eyes and just taking it all in. He has the cutest top teeth now and I miss him when he has slept for a while. He is my sweet, happy, kissable boy. He is the by far the best surprise Ive ever had. I cant imagine not having him in my life. 

Fathers Day 2016

Happy Fathers Day Daddy! Brice got a new wallet and breakfast in bed. He doesn't love to have breakfast in bed but Cade and Ryan were so excited for the possibility of eating in bed that they convinced him to stay and eat with them for a little bit. I made him his favorite cold slaw and pulled pork for sandwiches for dinner. 

I got a little crafty and made him this sign to hang up in his work room. I printed it for free from shanty2chic.com Its cute to see their three little handprints together. 

At church Cade got up to sing and Ryan followed him up there. If we had been in our right minds we would have stopped him. But we just watched them both walk up there and as they did Brice leans over and says well this is going to be interesting. 

We pretty much couldn't see him the whole time they were singing and Cade would occasionally disappear to find him. I think Cade sang the last word of the song and blew his kiss. Then Ryan finally made his appearance and the song was over. Together they ran back to us way in the back of the chapel and Brice and I looked at each other and gave that look like well that was bad. We will probably laugh at that later. 

We have a special man in our lives we call Daddy and we are so lucky to have him. He is way better at playing with the boys than I am and he is very good about being involved and helping out. He gives the best kisses, hugs, and wrestles. He has made his hobbies exciting for the boys and made a way for them to get excited too. They have their little things together....playing an occasional pirate or helicopter video game, getting out daddy's legos, building things together, seeing daddy's lego pirate ship, watching daddy flying the mini remote helicopter...These are the special things they share. They light up when Brice gets them out and when they share that time together. Brice has been such a good example to me of the importance of putting things to the side and making the time. 

Im so appreciative of Brice's love and willingness to continue to learn and grow as a parent. I know he wants nothing more than to teach our boys to be the best they can be. He usually gives the boys baths and is always there for family prayer and bedtime routine which means a lot to me.  Even with how crazy his schedule is right now, he makes sure he spends the time with them. At dinner he often says his favorite part of the day was coming home to see the boys.

We love you daddy! Our lives would not be the same without your strength, hard work, drive, level headedness, wise words, love and heart. 

Ryan Cole

Oh that face. His lips, his big pure blue eyes, his long curly eye lashes, his strawberry blonde hair with the curl in the back....when did my baby get so big!! He is a tank. 

He is 17 months old, going on to terrible twos. He will definitely let you know when he doesn't like something thats for sure. Its nearly impossible to get him to smile in a picture. But he likes to be silly. He loves to put things in his mouth and look at me all sly and mischievous like and laugh and run away. When you ask him a question he always answer uh huh in the cutest sweetest most innocent inflection ever.  He picks up new words quickly and likes to say new words when you tell him to say something. My favorite new thing he says is 'tank you mama' when I give him something and 'aldone mama' and hands me his plate or food instead of throwing it all over the place. He has the cutest voice ever.  Melts my heart. 

He likes to be involved in whatever is happening but he also enjoys quietly playing his own thing by himself. He loves playing with Cade and trying to keep up with his big brother. They love chasing each other around the house. The best is when they are both cracking up at each other. 

He loves cars, books, and playing in water. When he wants some thing...like food...he will come to me and say 'pum pum' for some some. Or 'teet teet' if he knows there is a treat in the house. :) Smart boy. He is a little love bug too. He LOVES baby Levi and is always so happy to see him 'baabyyy' and wants to give him hugs and kisses.  We sure do love you little bug!! A lot has happened since you were born and you have grown up fast. Slow down my little Ry Ry!! Can I just freeze you at this stage forever??

We had Ryan's first birthday here at home (Nov. 25th 2014). We had a fun time eating cake, facetiming grandparents, and opening presents. 

Birthday boy

Happy birthday boy and his partner in crime

Happy birthday Ryan bug! Cant wait to see all you will learn this year!

Cade's 3rd Birthday

Motherhood/parenthood has a way of making you feel not human. I find myself juggling between tasks at an alarming rate trying to keep everyone fed, happy, and safe. Mommy's tired? Too bad. Hungry? It will have to wait.  In desperate need to get a shower, brush your teeth, brush your hair....you know how it goes. If one of these three little munch gins needs something, mom's needs/wants wait. Ive never had to put myself last so much in my life. You give until you have nothing let to give and then you give some more. Sometimes they are the most beautiful happy moments of your life and sometimes they are the toughest, in the same day. It stretches your soul and patience.

Having Levi has reminded me to slow down and be present in the moment.  The baby stage is so short.  Its so easy to wish away the hard times but I want to do better at enjoying and making the most of my time with my kids. 

We had Cade's third birthday party and I have to say seeing his happiness at all the pirate stuff and excitement of opening the treasure box and lego pirate ship was one of those happy moments. It makes everything feel so worth it. 

Happy birthday to the cutest pirate there is! :) 

Baby Levi is Born

Little Levi was born April 15th, 2015.  I was on the tentative list for being induced but since we hadnt heard from the hospital, we decided to get out of the house and show my mom the army post. Well that did it because we went on a walk at 5pm and during the walk and at the park I started having contractions.  We got in the car and went out to eat. They started getting intense and close together.  By 7pm ish we were home and I was very sure I was in labor.  The contractions were every 2 minutes or less and lasting a minute or more. We hurried and finished packing our stuff and hurried in the car.  By the time I got to the hospital it was about 8pm and I was at 7 cm. It wasnt looking like I could get an epidural which I was not prepared for.  I was having a lot of back pain and it was tough. I was getting myself prepared to do it naturally but I was scared. At 8 cm an opportunity became available to get an epidural and I took it.  At 11:40 pm in 2 pushes and in less then 5 minutes Levi Reid Timothy was born! 

We are so happy to have another healthy beautiful boy. The next few days were magical and Brice and I joked that our stay in the hospital was our vacation. Thanks to my mom for watching the boys and helping us out! It was so ncie to not have to worry and just focus on getting well, resting, and taking care of our new baby. 

He is almost 1 month old now and I find myself wanting him to slow down!! I want to just soak up all the time with him as a baby. It really does go so fast. 

We have been trying to get out too to enjoy the weather! Oh my do I feel like I have earned this nice weather. 6 plus months of harsh cold weather is rough. But boy is it pretty here! So it makes it worth it...almost. :)

Hike on the Black River trail in New York

They are such boys and I love it. Dirt, sticks, rocks...what more can you want!

Cade is clearly into guns.  I get shot at multiple times a day...its their favorite game. Ive gotten really good at dying...youd be impressed.