I need some help!!

So Im nervous to write this post but I need help. It is something that has been really bothering me and it feels like something you cant just talk about...Im hoping for experiences and maybe new insight to help me feel better about things or change the way I see it....please dont hesitate to share your thoughts, experiences and feelings if you feel like you can. I would really appreciate it!

When I had my first son I didnt give much thought if I would circumcise him or not. I just thought...yeah of course. I didnt think much of it then that.

When we went to the doctors office I was nervous and decided to have Brice there and I would leave the room. I walked the halls anxiously on the brink of sobs as I heard my little baby crying so much and it tearing me up inside to not go and help him. He cried so much when it was over and on the way home. My first thought when I saw him was, on my gosh what have they done to my baby? It looked awful to me. It looked so painful and I felt sooo awful. He screamed when he peed for the first two times and I called the doctors and asked if there was something I could put on to numb. No nothing. Vasline only and Tylenol. Its hard on moms but it will heal, they said. Something about that felt so wrong. I felt so helpless.  How can this be ok, i thought to myself?

When I had chance I talked to people I felt safe to talk to about it. Why was this soo hard for me and it felt sooo wrong? I vented my frustrations and feelings but could never get to a place that felt right.

Then we found out we were having a boy again. That terrible feeling came back and I dreaded the inevitable. This time I knew what that meant and I felt so sick about it.

I have tried researching about it and asking tons of questions but nothing left me feeling totally better about it. I dont know if its necessarily that its done or the way its done. I think both for me, but especially the second. I dont like the fact that they dont wait to let the medicine really set it before they do it and I wonder how much numbing stuff they really use.

The problem with researching and asking people is you face the judgment. There are those who think you are a horrible mother for doing it and then you have those who feel like how can you not do it, for cleanliness and social reasons. There is nothing I can find that makes me feel like it is a good thing, research wise. Even those arguments aren't really convincingly backed up. The trend is rising that more and more arent being circumcised in the US and it makes me wonder....are there others who feel the same way I do?? Why do I feel so alone like Im the only one who feels this way?? Ive talked to my sister in law who is a dental hygienist and uses and has used the numbing stuff on her many times...and says it definitely would help him not feel pain. Ive talked to a few friends (you know who you are:)) and some of them had more positive experiences and that has given me hope.  Another did not and said her doctor told her it doesnt really numb the tip...please be lying to me right now! Seriously??

I asked the nurse if they feel it when the procedure is done and questions about how its done. She said that they feel pressure but dont feel pain and there are some who barely cry at all. They just dont like to be hassled with. She said it shouldnt hurt them when they pee after. She said she is having a boy and she will do it for sure. Our kids doctor (who regularly does the procedure) told me that he had all his sons done,  and said its not a inhumane thing at all. If he does them and he still had it done for his sons, it cant be as bad as it seems?? Can it?

Then it was Ryans turn. He was two weeks old and Brice was still gone at basic. I went by myself and opted to stay with him. I did that because I thought I would feel worse being out of the room wondering what they are doing to him then being there and I figured not being there doesnt change the fact and reality of what is being done. I wanted to see for myself.

They gave him two shots at the base and immediately started stretching the skin and clamping the skin on the sides with these small metal tools. They gave him sugar water to help him and continued squirting it in a fast stream enough that he had to continually gulping and couldn't take a breathe to scream. But that look in his eyes. Im telling you, it haunts me. They worked to find a metal piece that would fit best and pushed it on so that the skin would be clear from anything else. At this point he was screaming and semi choking despite the sugar water and for the first time I saw a tear come out of his eye.

Once the skin was around the metal piece they took the knife and cut the skin off... and it rolled up and it was gone. They bandaged him up and as fast as I could, I picked him up to comfort him. It took everything inside of me not to break down in tears right there.

And you tell me that it doesnt hurt? Why do I soo not believe you right now?

And unlike a shot that is quick and over...this one just keeps being bad. Ryan would scream and shake and cry so much I was worried he woulds stop breathing whenever he peed. It was awful awful. I kept saying, this is so wrong. How can they do this to him? And I was thinking, how can I do this to him??

His birth was so peaceful and calm and he was such a calm and happy baby the first two weeks....and then this happens and he would often wake up screaming. He cried more then I had ever heard from him before and every time I changed his diaper, I would feel so much guilt.  I resented so much what this had been done... it felt like it had stolen those happy peaceful feelings that I had worked so hard to have for him and us.

I have sworn that I cant have another boy because I cant do it again.  We better just have all girls because I cant go through with it again. I dont know how I can.

If you have had a similar experience or maybe an easier one, I would so appreciate some advice, tips, another way of seeing it, ect anything to help me to work through this and find a place that I can feel better about it all. Thanks friends!!