Random Thoughts

my two children are currently wanting me instead of quietly going to sleep in their bed...which is all i want to do right now :) little ryan needs me like he needs a binkie or a blanket. he is completely calm when i hold him but as soon as I lay him down his eyes pop open and he knows im not there anymore! 

ive had a million thoughts running through my head lately and although im pretty sure not many people even read my blog (which actually makes it maybe easier to write) i really want to share them. 

today i went to the commissary (its the grocery store on the military base) and i saw a family of five kids. i did the look without trying to make it obvious you are counting look and sure enough 5 little munchgins. the next thought that went through my head is wow, they must be exhausted. 

i love seeing moms with lots of little kids. it honestly makes me smile and i think, im so glad im not the only crazy one around here.  to have a bunch of small kids close together is not for the weak and going to the store with them and survive is something to be celebrated! 

today as ryan was crying and i went in and held him, i was so glad i didnt feel frustrated but thought how one day he wont want me anymore. he will want his friends or his wife or whatever else...but right now all he wants is me and i am the only thing in this world that calms him and makes him happy. i was so grateful i could have that bigger picture today. 

we have been in new york now for 6 months, and all in all its been a really good experience. its soo pretty here and the people in our ward are amazing people. i like learning about their different stories. In the military, people usually have a story to tell about why they are in the military and how things have gone for them. although im still very hesitant about living a military life, i try to just focus on the here and now, and right now it feels like this is the right place for us. 

when i was in california i had the chance to see my grandma rosell. she is in hospice and i was warned about how bad she is right now. she didnt move at all and breathed with her mouth open and her head back. she talk very muffled and quiet but i could hear her say how wonderful and to tell her all ive been doing. i could see her spirit come through, the one i know and love so much. it was time to go and i got up and gave her a hug and a kiss and i knew that was the last time id probably see her. its a sad reality when you know theres no more hellos, no more of something, and to have no more of my sweet grandma broke my heart. i tried hard to cry quietly and gave her another hug and kiss. i need to remember in all the space of days, there will be a last day for me and the others i love. my days are numbered and i need to remember that to make better use of my time here. 

I saw a post on face book the other day that said "I wish I could live life with the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old." wow what kind of life would i live if i could live like that?? With time and experience there is wisdom. The things you would do in your 20s maybe you would never have done in your 30s because you have grown and learned and changed. its so easy to look back and say what you would have done differently. but you know things because youve gone through them...standing at the door with the world of uncertainty before you is a very different story. and not only that, you are looking at it without the burden of the challenges and trials of that time.  although i wish i sometimes i had a start over button to life i need to remember to be kind to myself. i did the best i could at the time. maybe my best now is different then my best then, but i cant get down about that. 

well i think that will be it for now...and happily i think my kids are finally asleep! :)