Looking Back

I dont normally like to write personal blogs. They are too hard and too long for me to write and I always feel self conscious about what Im saying. :) So bare with me. :)

I was driving home from Orem the other day and I passed American Fork, the exact exit I took to drive to work for the last 7 years of my life. Now seven years many seem long for some and maybe short for others, but for me it was a life time. A flood of feelings overwhelmed me as I let myself go back to that time. It was as if I could almost feel what I was feeling then and I couldn't help myself from crying.

Why was it so hard for me? I kept thinking about this question as I drove the rest of the way home and I had a few thoughts that humbled me.

No one but the Savior can know the depth of our loneliness and pain. Words aren't enough to express the deep pain that effects our hearts and our spirits. We are allowed to pass through all kinds of trials in life, many that do not make sense. But the miracle of the atonement is that it can transform hard and painful experiences into beautiful learning ones. It was through this difficult time that I came to know this for myself.

It was over these 7 years that I really struggled and as anyone who really knew me then, knew I was struggling in the worst kind of way. I felt more and more discouraged as time went on.  I felt so worthless and hopeless.  I hid it in many forms..work, goal less dating, activities, smiles and fake laughs, but at other times I didn't care to hide. It was like I needed others to know I was suffering. Like I was crying out for help because I didn't know what else to do. I let my worst shamelessly show.

I often tried to make sense of what I was going through and I couldn't, at least not where I was. I was doing the best I could, but there was still much I needed to learn and couldn't fully until I had crossed to the other side. :)

Also, I didn't know myself like I do now and I wasn't as true to myself as I should have been. I let others and circumstances override God's love and value for me. I did things and said things that weren't always from my heart and true to who I really was. I was so confused because I doubted myself and my worth until i didn't know what i really thought, felt, and wanted anymore. Fear ruled me.

I feel so sorry now for the way I acted at times and for the people in my life who were left confused and hurt. I know I did not handle things the best I could (although it was the best I could then...funny how perspective changes things) and I really hope they have forgiven me and understand that i was just struggling. My heart aches now for the relationships that were lost, the blessings that were missed, and the opportunities to grow and leave things better than I found them. I hope there was some good that happened in others lives along the way. Although I will never know.

But I did grow and like it or not I grew because I had to inorder to fit this new life into my heart. Teaching and Singleness.  It is such a bitter sweet experience because it was so incredibly hard for me yet as I look back I feel warm happy feelings for that amazing opportunity to learn valuable skills, confidence in myself, and my capacity to do WAY more than I ever thought possible.

As I look back it amazes me that any one could stand being around me let alone like or love me at this time. As I look at myself now and where I have come from, that hard place that feels dark, scary and impossible, I see that my problems with dating came from me. I wasn't focused on the right things. I didnt reach out to others in the way I could and should have with thoughtfulness and love.  My heart felt cold and enveloped in this struggle.

Now being married I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. I feel safe and loved and enough. Thats all I was ever trying to achieve I think through all my ups and downs and good times and bad. I chose happiness and took hold of my life before I met Brice. It was a transformation that can not be explained in any other way than a miracle. And as I did that it flowed over to all areas of my life and has truly changed me. I no longer let life make me, I was making my life. How freeing!!

And along with my new change, I needed  someone to take a chance on me. It was what my heart was aching for for so long. It is really hard to put into words except maybe to say this is who I am. I feel it so deeply and so wholly that I can never deny it.  I feel with all my heart that I am where I am meant to be, being a stay at home mom with Cade and being a wife.  I know every one is different but I think that was why it was soo hard. My feet were on path A and my heart was on path B. I tried to put my heart where my feet were but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. And I felt something must be so wrong with me because i couldn't get them together in one place. I thought I must have been so cursed ha because how can teaching be my life but my heart be in family life so much. At least I had wished God had given me less of a desire for family and more passion for teaching if that was my fate. It was at times a curial life I felt I was living :)

As I drove past that exit I felt a sense of relief. That part of my life was over and I made it. I am where I wanted to be and now my feet AND heart are on the same path together.  I am forever grateful for where I am and what I have learned. And I never thought I would say this but I am so grateful for the struggles I had, although at times very difficult, because it has blessed my life in so many ways. I wouldn't trade those happy times with my students, being apart of their lives, meeting amazing people, gaining more perspective and empathy for others, a deep appreciation for what I now have and my confidence to endure and get back up when I fall down. My heart is full of gratitude for all those who loved me when I was so unloveable and saw the good still in my soul. I will forever be indebted to them for leaving me better than they found me.  I love my Savior and know that he has blessed me so much and am so grateful he knew what was best for me and loves me enough to let me grow.