Day 4: Can I Call In a Sick Day??

Today was yet another sick day.  I felt like a zombie most of the day and I longed for a whole day where I could just lay down. Now my husbands sick too and I think the whole ship is all going down. ha

When I finally feel better I am going to feel so amazing!  Nothing makes you so grateful for health than being sick. I miss doing things. It gives my soul life!

On my to do list is finish my white pumpkins, sew covers for my outdoor porch pillows, and make the primary newsletter. Im so looking forward to my morning walks. 

Hope you have a great week! 

Much love, 
Em

"God wasnt having a bad day when he created you. If you needed more talent, God would have given you more talent. If you needed more friends, you would have more friends. Take what you have and make the most of it. Its what you need for right now." -Joel Osteen

Day 3: Its Almost Fall Y'all

Ive been getting so excited for fall. Today we were brave and went to Target with the 3 boys. Our target is 35 minutes away so Ive never been since we moved here. They had the cutest Halloween and Fall Decor and I was on a high with all the cute possibilities. Its just so fun. 

I also bought some fabric to recover my outdoor pillows and Im very happy about that! Its going to be bold black and white stripped that I think will look cute with the colorful fall wreathe I have on the door. 

A funny story from last night. I was taking a shower after the boys were suppose to be in bed and when I got out I looked up and saw a little blonde haired boy in the mirror hiding behind my door. I quickly got dressed and sent him back to his bed. Then I went about doing things and a little while later I went back in my room to do something and there is Ryan again laying in my bed with my pink sleeping mask over his eyes and my white blankets pulled up to his chest. ha oh my! If only I had my camera. 

Now to vegging out and doing nothing...I sure hope I can start feeling normal again soon!!

Much love, 
Em

"Im going to make everything around me beautiful - that will be my life." -Elsie de Wolfe

Day 2: My Little Dance Partner

Its so rough not getting enough sleep day after day and being sick on top of that. I stumbled out of bed this morning. Brice looks at me and says, rough nice with the boys? I make instant oatmeal for the boys. I bribe Cade if he eats all of his food Ill give him obedience beads. I remind Ry Ry of his promise to eat his breakfasts in the morning. After minutes of no attempts I try to force feed him. That never works for a two year but Im still half sleep so somehow I think its going to work. I now tell him no suckers when we pick up Cade at the bus stop if he doesn't eat his food. The cold oatmeal is still sitting there. The flies have eaten more of it than he has. 

We managed to have a busy and productive morning. Cade to school, short walk to get ourselves going, got Levis medicine at the Pharmacy incase his cold gets worse over the weekend, dropped my broken iphone off at the post office, and then library story time for Ryan's school today. Im exhausted. On top of being sick, lacking sleep, I have terrible cramps. Oh so fun. 

Last night we went on a walk. It was getting dark and some of the intense humidity was gone and it was just us. Ryan in his army pants and gray sweater sitting on Daddy's shoulders, Levi sitting in the double stroller content just looking around, and Cade in his gray comfy pants and bright blue shirt happily walking by me talking about getting treats at the gas station by our house. As we walk Cade says in his own Cade way, Lets dance under the light. I start to twist him and dip him. He takes my hands and swings. It is so adorable I look up to see Brice's face and he's looking at us with a warm smile. My heart feels with so much joy. How can something so simple be so magical? This all went straight to my heart. Im going to remember this one for a long time. 

Much love, 
Em

"You are just as good as anyone else but no better." -unknown 

Anxiety: You Aren't Alone!

This is a post I wrote a couple months ago but never had the courage to post. But as I reread it today I felt like it is something that I could share. If it can help one person then it is worth sharing. I wrote this one late night when I couldn't sleep and I needed to get all my thoughts out to make sense of them. Heres me and my journey with anxiety... 

It has been way too long. I have been struggling to just write! I want to write. I think about it often but I feel like my heart and mind are in a major storm.  Im not confident that I even know what way is up! :)

So many little happy memories, simple life events, thoughts- some deep, some not so much, floating in my mind that I feel so panicky that they are lost forever because I don't have them permanently here. I do have a little happy journal I write in most nights with a happy memory here and there, so there is that but still. I yearn to capture every detail, every moment, to never forget it all but I just cant. Heck I can barely get the dishes done for the day and take a shower and go to bed at a decent hour let alone document every event. Sigh. 

What better place to start I suppose then full in, deep end first.  I want to write and share my story for anyone else who may feel alone. 

I have felt my anxiety come sneaking back into my life again in full force like a tide that I cant hold back. It is discouraging and frustrating. I want so much to rid myself of it.  But in the back of my mind I really think this is my fight for life. I had a conversation with my husband the other night during one of my low moments. 

The first thing he said that really hit me was how I really need to own my story. Stand on top of it. This is who I am...all of me. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have anxiety. Just like I have freckles or have 2 ears or 2 eyes. Own it. 

The second point he made was how I am spending so much of my energy to just fight my anxiety. What if I took all that energy and used it in other ways? How much farther could I go and accomplish? 

How I feel in a nutshell:

1. Im angry. Im impatient.  A swell of hot feelings erupt out of nowhere. I feel more impulsive than I normally am. 

2. Noise seems amplified. Fast movement seems so unnerving. 

3. My mind feels both highly focused on a specific thing and also so unfocused and busy at the same time. 

3. Despite all my knowledge of enjoying the moment and self talk I cant get my self to just chill out! I know Im being ridiculous. 

4. A lot of energy. Ambitious energy. I want to make 3 loaves of bread. Can jam. Make food all the time. I want to get lost in something. 

5. I dont want to be close to my husband as much. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole on my bad days and hide. Or get lost in a book. 

6. I find myself hiding in my house and not really making efforts to reach out to others. I want to help others but I cant get myself to take the step. 

7. Im avoiding emails, phone calls, mail ect. 

8. My head says one thing but when the rubber meets the road I cant move or push myself over the edge to do those things that I know are little but feel so big. 

9. Little things are stressful and overwhelming. Shopping...a mountain. Cleaning...a mountain. Calling the insurance...a huge mountain. Another day with my kids wants and needs, crying and fighting...a mountain. 

What I am doing to help myself: 

1. Exercising in the mornings out of the house 4-5 times a week.  

2. Eating healthy-ish

3. Reading a positive motivational book 'The Power of I am" by Joel Olsten

4. Writing a quote and scripture to see and memorize, once a week 

5. Praying nightly

6. Self talk in the moment (this isnt a big deal, it doesnt matter, they are just kids, they arent always going to be here, that is your anxiety talking, this is stupid!)

7. Anxiety podcasts

8. Breathing from my belly

9. A couple hour break doing something for myself a week 

Living with anxiety is like running a marathon where you keep hitting these huge road blocks. The path is already hilly and takes weird turns that test you but you keep hitting these and it throws you off. Your heart feels geared up to push through it because you want to finish this race well. But each time you meet another one your mind and heart gets a little more tired and discouraged. Why does this one seem so big?!  This shouldnt be this hard! Physically you feel more and more drained. Doubt overwhelms you now too. Can I really keep doing this???

As I look back I cant deny anxiety has been apart of my physical make up from the beginning. Hind Sight is 20/20. Lets go back to the beginning...this might take a minute :)

*Im 4 years old. My mom has my twin brothers and Im away from her for a few days or so and I cant stop nervously licking my lips and get sores all on the bottom on my chin.  I rub my pillow, my ribbons and suck my thumb. I cry because my teacher laughed when I told her I had pancakes for a snack. Im devastated. Kind of funny now hah 

* Im 9 or 10 and I obsessively think about something Ive done and what it says about me. I feel so alone. I tell my mom and I feel some pressure off. I never let it go through. 

*I often cant sleep and my mom teaches me to write my worries down and to tell each part of my body to go to sleep one by one. 

*Ok Im a good kid. Im organized. I clean my room for fun. Im conscientious. Im helpful. Sometimes a bit nervous but nothing to worry about right? 

*Im 10.5. My appendix burst and Im gone from school for weeks. I have stomach problems for years after. I miss school once a week for the rest of my 5th grade year (no wonder I'm bad with the states haha). Im always so worried Im going to be sick at school. On time I am and I feel so terrible I thought I was dying. I become afraid to go to school. Im obsessed about what if I get sick and I cant go to the bathroom. 

*Im 12 and I leave to spend time at my aunts house in Georgia. I become obsessed with the fear of getting sick. I cant sleep. Id have overwhelming panic that I wasnt going to be able to go to sleep and Id be sick. Id run through the same scenario of a waterpark in my mind every night to help me not think of it. 

*Im in high school and I start to get so terribly depressed. I feel so ugly. I hate my freckles. I detest myself.  I feel so alone. I cry a lot. I keep trying and working harder. 

*I come to college and have a complete panic attack. Still didnt know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is but as I look back I was completely losing it. At a time where a normal 18 year old would be happy I was crying and completely overwhelmed by my emotions and fear.  I was still so immature in the ways I handled my strong emotions. 

*Things get better mostly. Work and more work was my only solution. Just drown myself in work, which both helped and made things worse. 

*My college roommate starts talking to me about the definitions of anxiety and depression. Mind blown. Um that sounds a lot like me! Wait what! Im taken back with the possibility of this label associated with me. 

*My first heartbreak. Panic attack. Im still working on pushing through these mountains with all the will power and strength I can muster.  I go to some counseling on campus. I start to feel power in controlling what I eat. I find satisfaction from limiting what I eat. I got way too skinny. So so strange and hard to admit. 

* I apply for a study abroad and get accepted. I really want to go but the fears mount and I opt for the safe route. Im so disheartened now. Ive ruined everything. My life will never be as good...(terrible terrible way of thinking about life btw!!!) I was suppose to go and now I am just stuck here....DEPRESSION! I gain 15 pounds within that first semester or so. Im obsessed about food and eating now. I cant stop thinking about food. I feel so out of control now. I get on medicine I think for the first time. I cant really remember if I felt it helped me or not. I feel so down about it though. I feel like I lost. How can any one love me now when Im so broken?  

* I graduate BYU unmarried. I am a loser. haha oh the lies we tell ourselves when we feel alone!!!

*I worked at Dessert Book then an EFY counselor in Georgia and Florida and I had a good summer mostly. I still remember having intense and confusing feelings but I felt like I was in a positive direction. I cant remember if I was still taking my medicine then. 

*I started my first teaching job. My anxiety is now the worst that I have ever felt in my entire life. Im shaking. I cant breathe. My mouth is dry. My eyes are dilated. Oh my gosh I am dying!! I will never forget that first year and the panic I felt every day for 8 months. Hell on earth. It was as if this was all now too big for me. My only strategy I had to help myself was work. And work could not help this. This was so beyond school kind of work...get an assignment and do what they want...no this was so so much more. It was so beyond me.  My class was so bad. I had a sub for 2 days and he told me he would never come back to sub again. Bad. 2 boys gave me a run for my money. I cant remember if I got back on medicine. I have to think I had to in order to function. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in a situation like this or have felt like this before. It is the worst feeling in the world and I will never forget it. Know you arent alone!!

* I started doing better and weaned myself off of the medicine at some point. I was single for 7 years teaching school dating getting more confident. Getting stronger. Seeing other counselors off and on.  I finally met a lady that was specifically for women with depression and anxiety and she was absolutely heaven sent!! Tried relaxation scripts. Reading anxiety books.  Lots of exercise. Slipping down with a break up and having to get back on medicine. 

* I was Relief Society Present for a bit and hated it.  I went through the temple for the first time and I had a complete panic attack during it and after. I felt so confused.

* I was on medicine when I met Brice. But honestly I had never felt better. I had changed my thinking about life from trying to just do everything right and not mess anything up, waiting for God to bless me... to taking life in my hands and taking responsibility for my life in real ways. I still needed to exercise to feel better but I was taking medicine. Work was going really well for the most part. At least I was taking a proactive positive approach. Trying to not feel so beaten down by it. I had gained a lot more confidence...something happens when the worst thing you feel happens to you or failure is yours...you feel bigger than fear and you know you can handle it. Nothing can ever be as bad as that...it can only go up from here. I listened to a book that was life changing...Feel the Fear and DO it anyways. It is because of that book that I am here today with Brice has my husband and I have 3 boys sleeping down the hall. I could very much still be teaching feeling sorry for myself if I hadnt listened to that book at the exact time I needed. Thank u Lane! He was an angel sent from above. 

As I reflect on my life in this way, panning out to see a big picture, things become clearer and OBVIOUS! This is not something I can work away. Taking medicine isnt admitting defeat. It is another tool for me to use to help me stand on top of it. I am showing myself that Im not ever going to let it get to me. Whatever the tool I have available to me, I will use it. I can and will stand on top of it.  

Today was another terrible day. It feels like anxiety is in every cell of my body. Im angry. Im discouraged. Im terribly lonely and sad. I feel better then I sink back down. Up and down. Oh my. This is not me. I keep stumbling over myself. 

Then I watched this...http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-releases-ground-breaking-video-on-depression/

Is anxiety really who I am? Who I really am? If I believe that who I am is both spiritual and physical than do I believe I had this overwhelming anxiety before I came here? No. It is not a Godly characteristic. Do I believe I will have it when I go back to heaven? No. Then it is a physical ailment same as if I had another physical deficiency. It is a human frailty.  My genes dealt me this hand. 

It just hits me. And I cant sleep. My mind is figuring this out. 

My anxiety is hurting my relationships in real ways. I see it. Trying to fight this without medicine is not as important to me as my relationships. My family deserve better. I can do that for them. 

Im calling the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning.

Em

Day 1: Bunch of Sickos

We have all been sick over here and the days of have been long and exhausting. We managed to get Cade to the bus stop and still go on a short walk. We did Ry Rys little school at home. He is so fun to teach. He loves to read books and is pretty cooperative. He's watching Super Why now and Levis semi pleasant so I thought I could use this short time to write. 

I have been feeling such a desire to write again but having the hardest time gaining the confidence to do it. Im so rusty now that I haven't taken the time to write. I would love to challenge myself and write everyday. Sometimes short entries and sometimes long ones just depending on the day.Writing about daily events might be a good start for me. Its not about being perfect its about finishing. Thats what Im telling myself. Levis over here trying to push my computer closed and laughing about it so thats probably my cue that Im done. hah Until tomorrow...

Much love, 
Em

March 2016 Update

So much has happened since I wrote last. Nearly 10 months ago now (I started writing this back in March 2016...now it is July 2016).  Life is hectic with the three boys.  A quiet nap time where I get alone time and get things done...yeah nonexistent. Once bed time finally happens and the boys aren't fighting us to get them water or to lay down with them, all my energy is gone. All I want to do is relax and watch a show. Then early to bed because I dont know what the night has in store for me. Lately Ryan has been sneaking into our bed. Levi will eat at least once. And then everyone is rearing to go at the crack of dawn. I roll out of bed half awake and wonder where did my ambitious goals go to wake up early to exercise and read the scriptures. 

Life has been moving fast...we moved from upstate New York to Alabama. Road tripped down the east coast. We unpacked and got settled. We worked on a few house projects. Brice had a 7 week training where he was gone and became a warrant officer in the Army.  







Ryan turned two. I flew to California for a 2.5 week adventure wth the three boys. 



Christmas. Uncle Ben came to visit. 







My sweet Grandma Rosell passed away and they had her funeral. 



New Years fun, Valentines Day, and probably a bunch of other things I cant remember now. 





Probably because I was in need of a lot more of this...




Right now Cade is 3 years old. He will be 4 at the end of April. Ryan is 2 and 3 months old. Levi is 10 months old. 







































Cade is our little spit fire.  He has a fun imagination. He loves playdoh and slime. If he gets something in his mind he doesn't want to do, he will fight to the bitter end.  He's one of those kids if you tell him to say sorry he would rather go to time out 3 more times then give in to what you want him to do. Then he will finally say it in the least sincere way like he's saying fine I'll say it but you cant make me say it the way you want. We say Cade is intensity squared. He loves kids and wants to make friends.  He loves to kiss and hug Levi and play, teach, help and fight with Ryan.  He loves to cook and help in the kitchen. He is my little shadow. He loves to talk and always draws you back into what he's doing. He wants your attention. I don't feel like words could adequately describe his personality and little ways. He is so frustrating, and lovable, and fun and charming. He is really animated when he talks to you. Its adorable. He is still struggling with his speech. He just had his tonsils and adenoids out and tubes in his ears. Its been so hard this week in every way. Im starting to see some improvements already so I hope it will really pay off in the end.  















Ryan is so silly. He is the typical two year old...doesn't really eat when he's suppose to eat, plays with his food and makes big messes, throws tantrums when he doesnt get what he wants, wakes up at random times at night and just wants to play. He is oh so very kissable. He loves his bear, to be tickled, to eat treats. He has the whiniest voice when he talks.  My favorite things he says right now is 'buy it at the store mom?' 'daddy fix it?' 'where daddy go? army work?' 'welcome' (when its suppose to be thank you), 'mommy by you?' (he wants me to lay by him) He fights with Cade and shows interest in Levi. He is pretty obedient and if you get mad at him he gets so sad. He is the first one to say sorry even when he was the one hurt. What can I say about little ry ry? He is also such a complex little boy...he's serious, quiet, so silly, loving, spunky. He is so attached and I cant leave him without some serious trauma. 





Levi is the happiest baby.  He got both our chill recessive genes. He gets the pleasant baby award for nearly every adventure we attempt. He just moans..mmm mmm....you know he must want more food and is ready for bed. I dont know how I got so lucky but the baby puts himself to sleep every time. He loves to play games and be tickled. He is always just looking around with his little blue eyes and just taking it all in. He has the cutest top teeth now and I miss him when he has slept for a while. He is my sweet, happy, kissable boy. He is the by far the best surprise Ive ever had. I cant imagine not having him in my life. 

Fathers Day 2016

Happy Fathers Day Daddy! Brice got a new wallet and breakfast in bed. He doesn't love to have breakfast in bed but Cade and Ryan were so excited for the possibility of eating in bed that they convinced him to stay and eat with them for a little bit. I made him his favorite cold slaw and pulled pork for sandwiches for dinner. 

I got a little crafty and made him this sign to hang up in his work room. I printed it for free from shanty2chic.com Its cute to see their three little handprints together. 

At church Cade got up to sing and Ryan followed him up there. If we had been in our right minds we would have stopped him. But we just watched them both walk up there and as they did Brice leans over and says well this is going to be interesting. 

We pretty much couldn't see him the whole time they were singing and Cade would occasionally disappear to find him. I think Cade sang the last word of the song and blew his kiss. Then Ryan finally made his appearance and the song was over. Together they ran back to us way in the back of the chapel and Brice and I looked at each other and gave that look like well that was bad. We will probably laugh at that later. 

We have a special man in our lives we call Daddy and we are so lucky to have him. He is way better at playing with the boys than I am and he is very good about being involved and helping out. He gives the best kisses, hugs, and wrestles. He has made his hobbies exciting for the boys and made a way for them to get excited too. They have their little things together....playing an occasional pirate or helicopter video game, getting out daddy's legos, building things together, seeing daddy's lego pirate ship, watching daddy flying the mini remote helicopter...These are the special things they share. They light up when Brice gets them out and when they share that time together. Brice has been such a good example to me of the importance of putting things to the side and making the time. 

Im so appreciative of Brice's love and willingness to continue to learn and grow as a parent. I know he wants nothing more than to teach our boys to be the best they can be. He usually gives the boys baths and is always there for family prayer and bedtime routine which means a lot to me.  Even with how crazy his schedule is right now, he makes sure he spends the time with them. At dinner he often says his favorite part of the day was coming home to see the boys.

We love you daddy! Our lives would not be the same without your strength, hard work, drive, level headedness, wise words, love and heart.