It has been way too long. I have been struggling to just write! I want to write. I think about it often but I feel like my heart and mind are in a major storm. Im not confident that I even know what way is up! :)
So many little happy memories, simple life events, thoughts- some deep, some not so much, floating in my mind that I feel so panicky that they are lost forever because I don't have them permanently here. I do have a little happy journal I write in most nights with a happy memory here and there, so there is that but still. I yearn to capture every detail, every moment, to never forget it all but I just cant. Heck I can barely get the dishes done for the day and take a shower and go to bed at a decent hour let alone document every event. Sigh.
What better place to start I suppose then full in, deep end first. I want to write and share my story for anyone else who may feel alone.
I have felt my anxiety come sneaking back into my life again in full force like a tide that I cant hold back. It is discouraging and frustrating. I want so much to rid myself of it. But in the back of my mind I really think this is my fight for life. I had a conversation with my husband the other night during one of my low moments.
The first thing he said that really hit me was how I really need to own my story. Stand on top of it. This is who I am...all of me. Its nothing to be ashamed of. I have anxiety. Just like I have freckles or have 2 ears or 2 eyes. Own it.
The second point he made was how I am spending so much of my energy to just fight my anxiety. What if I took all that energy and used it in other ways? How much farther could I go and accomplish?
How I feel in a nutshell:
1. Im angry. Im impatient. A swell of hot feelings erupt out of nowhere. I feel more impulsive than I normally am.
2. Noise seems amplified. Fast movement seems so unnerving.
3. My mind feels both highly focused on a specific thing and also so unfocused and busy at the same time.
3. Despite all my knowledge of enjoying the moment and self talk I cant get my self to just chill out! I know Im being ridiculous.
4. A lot of energy. Ambitious energy. I want to make 3 loaves of bread. Can jam. Make food all the time. I want to get lost in something.
5. I dont want to be close to my husband as much. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole on my bad days and hide. Or get lost in a book.
6. I find myself hiding in my house and not really making efforts to reach out to others. I want to help others but I cant get myself to take the step.
7. Im avoiding emails, phone calls, mail ect.
8. My head says one thing but when the rubber meets the road I cant move or push myself over the edge to do those things that I know are little but feel so big.
9. Little things are stressful and overwhelming. Shopping...a mountain. Cleaning...a mountain. Calling the insurance...a huge mountain. Another day with my kids wants and needs, crying and fighting...a mountain.
What I am doing to help myself:
1. Exercising in the mornings out of the house 4-5 times a week.
2. Eating healthy-ish
3. Reading a positive motivational book 'The Power of I am" by Joel Olsten
4. Writing a quote and scripture to see and memorize, once a week
5. Praying nightly
6. Self talk in the moment (this isnt a big deal, it doesnt matter, they are just kids, they arent always going to be here, that is your anxiety talking, this is stupid!)
7. Anxiety podcasts
8. Breathing from my belly
9. A couple hour break doing something for myself a week
Living with anxiety is like running a marathon where you keep hitting these huge road blocks. The path is already hilly and takes weird turns that test you but you keep hitting these and it throws you off. Your heart feels geared up to push through it because you want to finish this race well. But each time you meet another one your mind and heart gets a little more tired and discouraged. Why does this one seem so big?! This shouldnt be this hard! Physically you feel more and more drained. Doubt overwhelms you now too. Can I really keep doing this???
As I look back I cant deny anxiety has been apart of my physical make up from the beginning. Hind Sight is 20/20. Lets go back to the beginning...this might take a minute :)
*Im 4 years old. My mom has my twin brothers and Im away from her for a few days or so and I cant stop nervously licking my lips and get sores all on the bottom on my chin. I rub my pillow, my ribbons and suck my thumb. I cry because my teacher laughed when I told her I had pancakes for a snack. Im devastated. Kind of funny now hah
* Im 9 or 10 and I obsessively think about something Ive done and what it says about me. I feel so alone. I tell my mom and I feel some pressure off. I never let it go through.
*I often cant sleep and my mom teaches me to write my worries down and to tell each part of my body to go to sleep one by one.
*Ok Im a good kid. Im organized. I clean my room for fun. Im conscientious. Im helpful. Sometimes a bit nervous but nothing to worry about right?
*Im 10.5. My appendix burst and Im gone from school for weeks. I have stomach problems for years after. I miss school once a week for the rest of my 5th grade year (no wonder I'm bad with the states haha). Im always so worried Im going to be sick at school. On time I am and I feel so terrible I thought I was dying. I become afraid to go to school. Im obsessed about what if I get sick and I cant go to the bathroom.
*Im 12 and I leave to spend time at my aunts house in Georgia. I become obsessed with the fear of getting sick. I cant sleep. Id have overwhelming panic that I wasnt going to be able to go to sleep and Id be sick. Id run through the same scenario of a waterpark in my mind every night to help me not think of it.
*Im in high school and I start to get so terribly depressed. I feel so ugly. I hate my freckles. I detest myself. I feel so alone. I cry a lot. I keep trying and working harder.
*I come to college and have a complete panic attack. Still didnt know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is but as I look back I was completely losing it. At a time where a normal 18 year old would be happy I was crying and completely overwhelmed by my emotions and fear. I was still so immature in the ways I handled my strong emotions.
*Things get better mostly. Work and more work was my only solution. Just drown myself in work, which both helped and made things worse.
*My college roommate starts talking to me about the definitions of anxiety and depression. Mind blown. Um that sounds a lot like me! Wait what! Im taken back with the possibility of this label associated with me.
*My first heartbreak. Panic attack. Im still working on pushing through these mountains with all the will power and strength I can muster. I go to some counseling on campus. I start to feel power in controlling what I eat. I find satisfaction from limiting what I eat. I got way too skinny. So so strange and hard to admit.
* I apply for a study abroad and get accepted. I really want to go but the fears mount and I opt for the safe route. Im so disheartened now. Ive ruined everything. My life will never be as good...(terrible terrible way of thinking about life btw!!!) I was suppose to go and now I am just stuck here....DEPRESSION! I gain 15 pounds within that first semester or so. Im obsessed about food and eating now. I cant stop thinking about food. I feel so out of control now. I get on medicine I think for the first time. I cant really remember if I felt it helped me or not. I feel so down about it though. I feel like I lost. How can any one love me now when Im so broken?
* I graduate BYU unmarried. I am a loser. haha oh the lies we tell ourselves when we feel alone!!!
*I worked at Dessert Book then an EFY counselor in Georgia and Florida and I had a good summer mostly. I still remember having intense and confusing feelings but I felt like I was in a positive direction. I cant remember if I was still taking my medicine then.
*I started my first teaching job. My anxiety is now the worst that I have ever felt in my entire life. Im shaking. I cant breathe. My mouth is dry. My eyes are dilated. Oh my gosh I am dying!! I will never forget that first year and the panic I felt every day for 8 months. Hell on earth. It was as if this was all now too big for me. My only strategy I had to help myself was work. And work could not help this. This was so beyond school kind of work...get an assignment and do what they want...no this was so so much more. It was so beyond me. My class was so bad. I had a sub for 2 days and he told me he would never come back to sub again. Bad. 2 boys gave me a run for my money. I cant remember if I got back on medicine. I have to think I had to in order to function. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in a situation like this or have felt like this before. It is the worst feeling in the world and I will never forget it. Know you arent alone!!
* I started doing better and weaned myself off of the medicine at some point. I was single for 7 years teaching school dating getting more confident. Getting stronger. Seeing other counselors off and on. I finally met a lady that was specifically for women with depression and anxiety and she was absolutely heaven sent!! Tried relaxation scripts. Reading anxiety books. Lots of exercise. Slipping down with a break up and having to get back on medicine.
* I was Relief Society Present for a bit and hated it. I went through the temple for the first time and I had a complete panic attack during it and after. I felt so confused.
* I was on medicine when I met Brice. But honestly I had never felt better. I had changed my thinking about life from trying to just do everything right and not mess anything up, waiting for God to bless me... to taking life in my hands and taking responsibility for my life in real ways. I still needed to exercise to feel better but I was taking medicine. Work was going really well for the most part. At least I was taking a proactive positive approach. Trying to not feel so beaten down by it. I had gained a lot more confidence...something happens when the worst thing you feel happens to you or failure is yours...you feel bigger than fear and you know you can handle it. Nothing can ever be as bad as that...it can only go up from here. I listened to a book that was life changing...Feel the Fear and DO it anyways. It is because of that book that I am here today with Brice has my husband and I have 3 boys sleeping down the hall. I could very much still be teaching feeling sorry for myself if I hadnt listened to that book at the exact time I needed. Thank u Lane! He was an angel sent from above.
As I reflect on my life in this way, panning out to see a big picture, things become clearer and OBVIOUS! This is not something I can work away. Taking medicine isnt admitting defeat. It is another tool for me to use to help me stand on top of it. I am showing myself that Im not ever going to let it get to me. Whatever the tool I have available to me, I will use it. I can and will stand on top of it.
Today was another terrible day. It feels like anxiety is in every cell of my body. Im angry. Im discouraged. Im terribly lonely and sad. I feel better then I sink back down. Up and down. Oh my. This is not me. I keep stumbling over myself.
Then I watched this...http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-releases-ground-breaking-video-on-depression/
Is anxiety really who I am? Who I really am? If I believe that who I am is both spiritual and physical than do I believe I had this overwhelming anxiety before I came here? No. It is not a Godly characteristic. Do I believe I will have it when I go back to heaven? No. Then it is a physical ailment same as if I had another physical deficiency. It is a human frailty. My genes dealt me this hand.
It just hits me. And I cant sleep. My mind is figuring this out.
My anxiety is hurting my relationships in real ways. I see it. Trying to fight this without medicine is not as important to me as my relationships. My family deserve better. I can do that for them.
Im calling the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning.
Em
Living with anxiety is like running a marathon where you keep hitting these huge road blocks. The path is already hilly and takes weird turns that test you but you keep hitting these and it throws you off. Your heart feels geared up to push through it because you want to finish this race well. But each time you meet another one your mind and heart gets a little more tired and discouraged. Why does this one seem so big?! This shouldnt be this hard! Physically you feel more and more drained. Doubt overwhelms you now too. Can I really keep doing this???
As I look back I cant deny anxiety has been apart of my physical make up from the beginning. Hind Sight is 20/20. Lets go back to the beginning...this might take a minute :)
*Im 4 years old. My mom has my twin brothers and Im away from her for a few days or so and I cant stop nervously licking my lips and get sores all on the bottom on my chin. I rub my pillow, my ribbons and suck my thumb. I cry because my teacher laughed when I told her I had pancakes for a snack. Im devastated. Kind of funny now hah
* Im 9 or 10 and I obsessively think about something Ive done and what it says about me. I feel so alone. I tell my mom and I feel some pressure off. I never let it go through.
*I often cant sleep and my mom teaches me to write my worries down and to tell each part of my body to go to sleep one by one.
*Ok Im a good kid. Im organized. I clean my room for fun. Im conscientious. Im helpful. Sometimes a bit nervous but nothing to worry about right?
*Im 10.5. My appendix burst and Im gone from school for weeks. I have stomach problems for years after. I miss school once a week for the rest of my 5th grade year (no wonder I'm bad with the states haha). Im always so worried Im going to be sick at school. On time I am and I feel so terrible I thought I was dying. I become afraid to go to school. Im obsessed about what if I get sick and I cant go to the bathroom.
*Im 12 and I leave to spend time at my aunts house in Georgia. I become obsessed with the fear of getting sick. I cant sleep. Id have overwhelming panic that I wasnt going to be able to go to sleep and Id be sick. Id run through the same scenario of a waterpark in my mind every night to help me not think of it.
*Im in high school and I start to get so terribly depressed. I feel so ugly. I hate my freckles. I detest myself. I feel so alone. I cry a lot. I keep trying and working harder.
*I come to college and have a complete panic attack. Still didnt know what anxiety is or what a panic attack is but as I look back I was completely losing it. At a time where a normal 18 year old would be happy I was crying and completely overwhelmed by my emotions and fear. I was still so immature in the ways I handled my strong emotions.
*Things get better mostly. Work and more work was my only solution. Just drown myself in work, which both helped and made things worse.
*My college roommate starts talking to me about the definitions of anxiety and depression. Mind blown. Um that sounds a lot like me! Wait what! Im taken back with the possibility of this label associated with me.
*My first heartbreak. Panic attack. Im still working on pushing through these mountains with all the will power and strength I can muster. I go to some counseling on campus. I start to feel power in controlling what I eat. I find satisfaction from limiting what I eat. I got way too skinny. So so strange and hard to admit.
* I apply for a study abroad and get accepted. I really want to go but the fears mount and I opt for the safe route. Im so disheartened now. Ive ruined everything. My life will never be as good...(terrible terrible way of thinking about life btw!!!) I was suppose to go and now I am just stuck here....DEPRESSION! I gain 15 pounds within that first semester or so. Im obsessed about food and eating now. I cant stop thinking about food. I feel so out of control now. I get on medicine I think for the first time. I cant really remember if I felt it helped me or not. I feel so down about it though. I feel like I lost. How can any one love me now when Im so broken?
* I graduate BYU unmarried. I am a loser. haha oh the lies we tell ourselves when we feel alone!!!
*I worked at Dessert Book then an EFY counselor in Georgia and Florida and I had a good summer mostly. I still remember having intense and confusing feelings but I felt like I was in a positive direction. I cant remember if I was still taking my medicine then.
*I started my first teaching job. My anxiety is now the worst that I have ever felt in my entire life. Im shaking. I cant breathe. My mouth is dry. My eyes are dilated. Oh my gosh I am dying!! I will never forget that first year and the panic I felt every day for 8 months. Hell on earth. It was as if this was all now too big for me. My only strategy I had to help myself was work. And work could not help this. This was so beyond school kind of work...get an assignment and do what they want...no this was so so much more. It was so beyond me. My class was so bad. I had a sub for 2 days and he told me he would never come back to sub again. Bad. 2 boys gave me a run for my money. I cant remember if I got back on medicine. I have to think I had to in order to function. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in a situation like this or have felt like this before. It is the worst feeling in the world and I will never forget it. Know you arent alone!!
* I started doing better and weaned myself off of the medicine at some point. I was single for 7 years teaching school dating getting more confident. Getting stronger. Seeing other counselors off and on. I finally met a lady that was specifically for women with depression and anxiety and she was absolutely heaven sent!! Tried relaxation scripts. Reading anxiety books. Lots of exercise. Slipping down with a break up and having to get back on medicine.
* I was Relief Society Present for a bit and hated it. I went through the temple for the first time and I had a complete panic attack during it and after. I felt so confused.
* I was on medicine when I met Brice. But honestly I had never felt better. I had changed my thinking about life from trying to just do everything right and not mess anything up, waiting for God to bless me... to taking life in my hands and taking responsibility for my life in real ways. I still needed to exercise to feel better but I was taking medicine. Work was going really well for the most part. At least I was taking a proactive positive approach. Trying to not feel so beaten down by it. I had gained a lot more confidence...something happens when the worst thing you feel happens to you or failure is yours...you feel bigger than fear and you know you can handle it. Nothing can ever be as bad as that...it can only go up from here. I listened to a book that was life changing...Feel the Fear and DO it anyways. It is because of that book that I am here today with Brice has my husband and I have 3 boys sleeping down the hall. I could very much still be teaching feeling sorry for myself if I hadnt listened to that book at the exact time I needed. Thank u Lane! He was an angel sent from above.
As I reflect on my life in this way, panning out to see a big picture, things become clearer and OBVIOUS! This is not something I can work away. Taking medicine isnt admitting defeat. It is another tool for me to use to help me stand on top of it. I am showing myself that Im not ever going to let it get to me. Whatever the tool I have available to me, I will use it. I can and will stand on top of it.
Then I watched this...http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/elder-jeffrey-r-holland-releases-ground-breaking-video-on-depression/
Is anxiety really who I am? Who I really am? If I believe that who I am is both spiritual and physical than do I believe I had this overwhelming anxiety before I came here? No. It is not a Godly characteristic. Do I believe I will have it when I go back to heaven? No. Then it is a physical ailment same as if I had another physical deficiency. It is a human frailty. My genes dealt me this hand.
It just hits me. And I cant sleep. My mind is figuring this out.
My anxiety is hurting my relationships in real ways. I see it. Trying to fight this without medicine is not as important to me as my relationships. My family deserve better. I can do that for them.
Im calling the Doctors first thing tomorrow morning.
Em
This just broke my heart for you. I wished I had known when we lived by each other! I wish I could have helped! You are not anxiety! Em you are a talented, kind, hard working, dedicated woman! I'm so glad I got to know you! Keep going! With the Lord's help and whatever tools He puts in your path you've got this!
ReplyDeleteOh thank you so much for all your sweet kind words!! ❤️❤️ They mean so much.
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